Republican PARTY!

Spike Dolomite
5 min readJul 25, 2020

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Republicans have a real problem with people making more money on unemployment than they do people working their butts off and never being able to get ahead. Instead of doing anything about why anybody would have to work 2 jobs to barely get by in America, they’re looking upon people in that situation as lazy opportunists who party all day and take advantage of the government. Republicans are the lazy opportunists who take advantage of government. They went home to party this weekend and will ignore constituents who bang on their doors in a panic because their unemployment is going to run out in a few days.

The moratorium on evictions ends at the same time as federal unemployment benefits run out which means 20 million people are at risk for getting tossed out on the street. Republicans will avoid renters who bang on their doors this weekend too. They are the party of rich landlords. Go away! We’re partying!

Nancy Pelosi tweeted: This President has been practically the biggest failure in American history. The Trump Virus is rolling through the country. Just imagine how many lives could have been saved if the tests he calls “overrated” had been widely available months ago.

More than 4 million people in the US have or have had the coronavirus. Stephen Miller’s grandmother just died from it. Her son blames the Trump administration for her death.

Since the coronavirus hit, 179,000 more Americans have died than normally do in an average year. 7,572 school aged kids in Tennessee have contracted the virus and 3 have already died. 13 nuns from a convent in Michigan have died from it. A sheriff in Pinal County, Arizona who boasted about not enforcing the coronavirus lockdown has it now. 2 cafeterias in the White House are closed because a worker tested positive. Texas doctors are now being forced to choose who will live and who will die.

Rand Paul is calling for the impeachment of Andrew Cuomo for his handling of coronavirus. The coronavirus is under control in New York.

Dr. Birx warned leaders in a private phone call that 11 major cities are seeing increases in the coronavirus and should take aggressive steps to stop outbreaks (Baltimore, Cleveland, Columbus, Indianapolis, Las Vegas, Miami, Minneapolis, Nashville, New Orleans, Pittsburgh and St. Louis.)

150 medical experts have signed a letter saying that the US should shut it all down and start over NOW.

Dr. Fauci says the earliest we could see a vaccine is spring 2021.

Trump says Dr. Fauci would like to have us close up for years so he doesn’t want anybody listening to Dr. Fauci.

MAGAs are threatening Dr. Fauci and his family. How fucked up is it that we have so many stupid people in our country that they would not only vote for anyone that would goad them into risking their own lives during a deadly pandemic, but who would actually threaten a scientist who has spent his entire career studying infectious diseases so he could keep them safe because the guy they voted for doesn’t like him?

The impeached president is trying to control the virus by controlling the message — “We’re doing great. It’s going away. Don’t listen to Dr. Fauci. Praise me.”

Press Secretary Barbie used visual and audio aids during her press conference — a propaganda video from Trump’s campaign footage of protesters being set up by Trump’s Secret Police. We’re beating citizens up in the streets! Party!

Trump followed Press Secretary Barbie with an event he did on drug pricing using a backdrop that set builders built for him just like it was a TV show and the White House was a sound stage. The scene ended with him signing executive orders targeting senior voters who are worried about the rising cost of their medicine. His “plan” is tentative (which means it won’t happen at all.) He wants to tie the price that Medicare pays for some drugs to the low prices that foreign countries get which is not an original idea. Republicans have fixed it so that that doesn’t happen so they can cash in on the pharmaceutical industry and party! Drugs, drugs, drugs! Money, money, money!

Republican hypcorite fun fact: Republicans have been killing people since before the coronavirus by making it unaffordable for people to get life saving medicines or even go to a doctor.

Nikki Haley is making a fool of herself on Twitter hoping Trump will notice her. She praised him for his “selflessness” for cancelling the GOP convention. Trump SELFLESS? She’s like the new girl at school who gets really drunk at a party and falls into the lap of the football captain by accident, bats her eyes at him and calls him selfless. Last week she gave a shout out to capitalism, the same system that has been profiting off of people dying. She said that the cure for the coronavirus will be because of capitalism. Um, the highest coronavirus infection and death rates are in minority communities — essential workers and poor people who have been spit out by capitalism.

Trump tweeted at 7 pm on Friday night: 96% Approval Rating in the Republican Party. Thank you!

Party!

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Spike Dolomite
Spike Dolomite

Written by Spike Dolomite

Daily Crime Report - recounts of Trump and the Republicans’ daily disasters, with puns.

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