Republicans Are Hazardous To Your Health

Spike Dolomite
5 min readMar 17, 2020

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The US has 4,491 confirmed cases of the coronavirus, more than double the amount since Friday. 87 people have died. After ignoring the problem for over 2 months, Trump has finally admitted that the coronavirus crisis is serious and could stretch into July or August. He’s gone from “it’s the latest hoax” to “it’s a very contagious virus. It’s incredible. But it’s something we have tremendous control of” to “No, that’s not under control for any place in the world.”

Trump was also forced to admit that we’re headed into a recession. The DOW dropped 500 points right after he did the press conference yesterday. A total of 2,650 points for the day.

The federal government is now directing its employees to work from home. Employees are confused after being ignored for so long. Who’s in charge? Do I stay or do I go?

When a reporter asked Trump to rate his response to the coronavirus crisis on a scale from 1 to 10, he gave himself a 10, “I think we’ve done a great job.”

Europe is closing its borders to all international travel.

It’s St. Patrick’s Day and Ireland is on lockdown.

The spread of the virus in the US is mirroring the spread in Italy. We’re about 10 days behind them. Because Italy ignored the virus for so long, the entire country is on lock down, awaiting its fate. Yesterday Italy counted 368 coronavirus deaths in ONE DAY. Italians over 80 will be left to die because the health care system is overwhelmed. Italy has a message for the US — don’t do what we did!

City, county and state officials are on their own in the US. There is no coordinated effort at the top to combat the spread of this deadly disease because Trump ignored it for so long and nobody in his administration knows what they’re doing.

The San Francisco Bay Area has given a shelter in place order, affecting nearly 7 million people. A lot of smart people live in the Bay Area. We can’t afford to lose them.

The MAGA king and his Republican knights were calling the coronavirus a Democratic hoax one short month ago. Now they’re calling it the “Chinese virus” to scapegoat and vilify the Chinese. This is straight up authoritarian playbook stuff.

Mitch McConnell is kicking the vote on the House coronavirus bill can down the road because the Republicans don’t like it. He is also encouraging judges who who want to step down to do so soon so he can fill their seats, and he’s calling on his opponent, Amy McGrath, to stop politicizing the coronavirus by taking down the ads she made about him blowing off the virus.

Trump held a teleconference with state governors and said that Andrew Cuomo of New York has to “do more.” Cuomo is doing more. He’s doing way more than Trump. He’s serving as a surrogate president, leading New York AND the country on what to do to slow down the spread. He is going to deploy the National Guard to work with private contractors to build out college dorms, former nursing homes and any other suitable facility to create triage units to prepare for hospital overflow and he’s telling New Yorkers to STAY HOME. He signed an executive order closing all schools in the state by tomorrow and stay closed for 2 weeks.

Trump really doesn’t like Cuomo. He tweeted this morning: Cuomo wants “all states to be treated the same.” But all states aren’t the same. Some are being hit hard by the Chinese Virus, some are being hit practically not at all. New York is a very big “hotspot”, West Virginia has, thus far, zero cases. Andrew, keep politics out of it….

Republican senator dickheads update: Marco Rubio tweeted for everybody to stop spreading rumors about marshall law. After he got a lot of shit for misspelling martial he tweeted out, sorry about the typo — marital law. Lindsey Graham is back from his 3 day vacation that Moscow Mitch gave him and what a relief! He doesn’t have the coronavirus. His test results came back negative. He cut in line to get tested while thousands of people waited in line, WITH SYMPTOMS. People are dying to get tested (pun intended), and that dickhead cut in line.

Evangelical preachers are encouraging people to come to church! Hold hands! Ignore the media! If we die, we die for Christ! One Catholic Archbishop said continuing on with taking communion is OK because “Christ does not spread disease” and Joel Orenstein is still open for business.

Fox is frantically trying to dig itself out of the hole it dug for themselves after telling their viewers that the coronavirus was a liberal hoax meant to take down Trump. Now it’s “reporting” on a foreign disinformation campaign that is trying to dupe them into believing it’s a hoax. Don’t believe them, Fox says! Ignore the bots! (What’s a bot? Never mind! Just ignore them!) Their audience is the most vulnerable demographic. They could all die if they ignore the media and if that happens, the Fox Gravy Train will run out of gravy and jump the tracks.

Devin Nunes went on Fox to back peddle telling everybody to take their families out to dinner to prove that this is a Democratic hoax. What he really meant was Fox viewers should take their families out for take out.

Sean Hannity has switched things up to blame Democrats for the spread because they were so preoccupied with impeaching Trump. Ignore the man behind the curtain (me.) Look over there! It’s Hillary!

Matt Gaetz is telling Fox viewers (a couple of weeks after he wore a mask on the House floor to mock the virus) that “America has had the best response to coronavirus in the world!”

DO NOT LISTEN TO Fox News, conservative talk show hosts, or Republicans. Ignore them. ALL OF THEM. They could get you killed.

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Spike Dolomite
Spike Dolomite

Written by Spike Dolomite

Daily Crime Report - recounts of Trump and the Republicans’ daily disasters, with puns.

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