Republiqan Blues

Matt Gaetz’s buddy, Joel Greenberg who has been sitting in jail awaiting trial for 33 felonies has agreed to a plea deal which isn’t good for Matt Gaetz. When reporters asked Greenberg’s lawyer to comment he said that Matt Gaetz probably isn’t feeling very comfortable right now. Poor Matt. He’s got the blues.

Matt Gaetz flew to the Bahamas with a hand surgeon/marijuana entrepreneur, Jason Pirozzolo, and a few escorts. Pirozzolo picked up the tab. If the escorts were under 18 then they trafficked girls across international lines on top of national lines.

Investigators now know about a conversation that Matt Gaetz had with a prominent Florida lobbyist where they plotted putting up a sham candidate in a state senate race last year to siphon votes from an their buddy’s Democratic opponent. Could that buddy be former state senator Frank Artiles who got busted for running a fake candidate in south Florida or another scumbag Republiqan that we don’t know about yet?

The FBI has literal receipts of Matt Gaetz paying minors through his public Venmo account.

Matt Gaetz’s legislative director, Devin Murphy, quit last week. He’s the second senior aide to resign since the public found out he’s under federal investigation.

Matt Gaetz released a statement from the “women of his office” defending him but none of the women were actually mentioned in it by name.

Republican Congressman Adam Kinzinger has called on Matt Gaetz to resign. He’s the first and only Republican who has done so.

Matt Gaetz has not only not resigned, he is still on the judiciary committee.

Matt Gaetz has gone on Fox News 310 times since being in Congress. 127 of those times has been on the Sean Hannity Show. Sean Hannity appears to not know Matt Gaetz now.

Meanwhile in sexually repressed, sinning Alabama, GOP senate candidate John Merrill lied about having an affair until he was presented with a 17 minute tape of he and his mistress talking dirty to each other about doing it. You’re not supposed to have sex in Alabama except for with your wife, and only in the dark and in the missionary position and only on Saturday nights at 9 p.m.

Joe Biden came out strong for gun reform yesterday. He made his announcement in the Rose Garden in front of a crowd of gun violence survivors who have dedicated their lives fighting for stricter laws. He was unwavering in his conviction and showed some real spine, unheard of in these bloody, sold out, violent times. He invited Congress to show the same spine by outlawing automatic weapons and making universal background checks mandatory. While Joe Biden was speaking the governor of Texas tweeted that he was going to make Texas a second amendment state. Hours later he tweeted out thoughts and prayers for the victims who were just killed in another mass shooting in Texas where a state trooper had been shot.

106 people die every day from guns. President Biden called it an epidemic and an international embarrassment.

Former NFL player Phillip Adams shot and killed 5 people and then killed himself in South Carolina.

Whenever there is a mass shooting the CEO of the NRA, Wayne LaPierre, hides out on a yacht because he’s afraid of being shot himself since he’s one of the most hated men in America.

Marco Rubio is running for re-election next year. Trump endorsed him in a formal statement this morning. In it he mentioned that “He also ruled that ‘President Trump was in no way involved with Russia,’ as he presided over the Senate Intelligence Committee.”

The defense for Derek Chauvin is focused on George Floyd’s drug use, of course. They’re trying to suggest that he died from the drugs in his system thereby putting the victim on trial, which is the norm whenever a black man is the victim of a murder.

Republiqans have a new problem. Voters are leaving the party. The Democratic party is growing faster than it has in a decade. Cue song, “Don’t it Make your Red Gerrymandered District Blue?” by Ted Douchent and Mike Itsuckstobeme.

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Daily Crime Report - recounts of Trump and the Republicans’ daily disasters, with puns. Read them all in quarterly reports in The Treason Chronicles on Kindle.

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Daily Crime Report - recounts of Trump and the Republicans’ daily disasters, with puns. Read them all in quarterly reports in The Treason Chronicles on Kindle.