Running on Empty

Spike Dolomite
5 min readMar 9, 2020

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No prayer meeting today. Gotta run!

Trump and 2 senior staffers, Jared and Ivanka, weren’t in DC over the weekend working on the public health crisis. They were partying it up at Junior’s girlfriend’s birthday bash at Mar-a-Lago. Birthday cake for everyone! Charge it to the taxpayers! Not a care in the world because they don’t live in the real world. They live in Trump’s world. As for the rest of us, let them eat cake (not their cake.)

“The virus is spreading like wildfire, markets are crumbling, the Saudis have started an oil price war and the president is….golfing.” — Steven Rattner

Ben Carson went on George Stephanopoulos’ show, ABC This Week, and avoided all questions about what the government is doing about the coronavirus. As far as the cruise ship docking off the coast of California today with people on board who are infected, he couldn’t really say what the plan was for them other than they’re working on it.

“If the plan hasn’t been fully formulated, perhaps it should dock at Mar-A-Lago.” — Steve Marmel

Ben Carson, a medical doctor, told people that “there’s no reason you shouldn’t go” to a crowded Trump rally if you’re healthy. Ben used his official capacity as a member of Trump’s cabinet to campaign for him on national television during an interview about a pandemic.

Matt Gaetz wants us all to believe that wearing a gas mask on the House floor the other day wasn’t a stupid stunt but a serious political statement. He did it to convey the message that we’re dealing with a crisis here! He also told the Daily Caller that the alcohol he’ll consume during spring break should kill the virus.

Members of Congress are worried about the coronavirus. But it’s a Democratic hoax, remember? That’s what Trump said! The bullies on Capitol Hill want recess so they can run home. Typical bullies.

Republicans shouldn’t get to run home. They should be locked in a room together as a consequence for protecting Trump and not taking steps to protect the public. If they had done the right thing and voted to remove Trump after he was impeached we might have some competent leadership working on this right now.

“Can you imagine how quick and organized the response to the coronavirus would have been if Hillary Clinton had been in the White House?” — Leah McElrath

Ted Cruz is quarantining himself. The perfect excuse to hide out at home! Tea Party kooky weirdo congressman, Paul Gosar of Arizona, announced that he and 3 members of his senior staff are officially under self-quarantine because of the Wuhan Virus. Gosar is such an extremist nut that his 6 siblings made a TV commercial endorsing his opponent in 2018.

Wuhan Virus? The Republicans are spinning away from the virus being a Democratic hoax to it being all China’s fault. Gosar is also spinning that Trump never called the virus a Democratic hoax, the Democrats called it a hoax.

It’s ironic how the Republicans are protecting the identity of the person at CPAC who has the virus but they’re hell bent on revealing who the whistleblower is. And isn’t it ironic that some attendants at CPAC were being infected by the virus just as they were using the spotlight to bash the media for creating mass hysteria around the virus in order to damage Trump’s run for re-election?

Now they’re running scared.

“It’s the monkey paw nature of Trumpland on full display: some of the worst people in the country are self-quarantining but it’s because there’s a virus that’s spreading because of their incompetence.” — Adam Parkhomenko

Trump makes history again for making a public health crisis political. He claims “Fake News Media doing everything possible to make us look bad.”

As Trump continues to bash the media this morning, his loyalists in Congress are running scared and calling it self quarantine. Since Republicans never do anything that’s good for the public you have to wonder why they’re self quarantining. Are they hiding? Are they scared of a little flu that will vanish once the weather gets warm like Trump said? Or are they posturing to make it look like they really do care about the public so it won’t hurt their 2020 run?

They want to run like hell to avoid the inevitable — mayhem.

Call your reps today and demand that there be no Congressional recess. We need more emergency legislation and fast. Congress needs to protect us, not themselves. Protecting themselves is how we got so far down the infected rabid hole.

“If Congress leaves town early, the reaction will be like a run on the bank. No member should leave DC while schools are open, planes are flying, Trump is holding rallies, etc. Captain goes down with the ship — or, at least, doesn’t shove children aside to get in a lifeboat.” — Walter Shaub

10% of Iran’s parliament is infected. Saudi Arabia closed all schools and universities across the kingdom. The Philippines closed schools. Italy has 1,492 new cases of coronavirus and 133 new deaths.

“I don’t know how much more clear this can be. The health system in Italy is on the verge of collapse. And that is with containment measures and thousands of tests, and some of the world’s best hospitals. We have done nothing.” — Sara Danner Dukic

Stock trading was halted for 15 minutes after the S&P 500 fell 7% just now.

We’re running on empty.

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Spike Dolomite
Spike Dolomite

Written by Spike Dolomite

Daily Crime Report - recounts of Trump and the Republicans’ daily disasters, with puns.

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