Season Finale of the Reality TV President

Spike Dolomite
3 min readNov 5, 2020

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Arizona, North Carolina, Georgia, Nevada and Pennsylvania are still counting votes so Trump is using lawyers and his lunatic cult following self appointed “poll observers” to either stop the count where he’s winning or continue the count where he’s losing. MAGAs have shown up and are chanting, “Count those votes!” or “Stop the count!” They’re carrying guns in Arizona.

After trying to get the count stopped in Wisconsin Trump now wants a recount. That will cost a few million dollars. Wisconsin better get their money up front.

Press Secretary Barbie Kayleigh McEnany went on Fox and said that if Trump loses Pennsylvania they’ll take it to the Supreme Court as if the court works for Trump and he’ll be able to send one of his staffers in to open a case and demand a ruling that same day. They’re too dumb to know that the highest court in the land doesn’t take cases just because a powerful person demands it, cases have to come from lower courts and the higher court decides whether or not they’ll even hear it. Trump wants a ruling to get ballots mailed before or on election day thrown out which excludes votes cast by service members.

Many of the 300,000 ballots that Postmaster DeJoy refuses to deliver are in key states where the elections are incredibly close — Wisconsin, Michigan, North Carolina, Georgia, Nevada and Pennsylvania.

Judge Sullivan ordered ballots to get out for delivery and counted but DeJoy told the judge to fuck off so now DeJoy could very well go to jail.

Trump lost even after suppressing the vote and now he’s crying foul. It’s all going to plan and the Biden campaign has been ready for it.

“The strategy of the Trump campaign is not to accomplish anything, it is to sow the chaos. He has signaled this, that his main goal is to make people think he’s not a loser, that this was stolen from him — because it’s crucial for his ego” — Charlie Sykes

Trump and his sons kept claiming victory and accusing the Biden crime family of cheating but Twitter keeps flagging them.

“The President’s Twitter feed currently has more warnings than a pack of cigarettes.” — Ryan Lizza

“They gutted the Voting Rights Act, slowed the mail, intimidated voters, invested billions in disinformation, closed countless polling stations in Dem precincts and everyone is running around saying, ‘How did Republicans get so many votes?!’” — Mikel Jollett

Joe Biden has received more votes than anyone who has ever run for president — 71 million and counting. His popular vote lead has surpassed Hillary Clinton’s.

Joe Biden got 93% of the vote in Washington DC. The neighborhood wants that free loading criminal out of their neighborhood.

Joe Biden could hit 270 electoral votes this morning. When he does he will immediately put teams in place to reunite kidnapped children with their families and get the coronavirus under control.

Trump is going to be a raging lunatic today and Twitter will keep cutting him off. He’s going to claim fraud louder than ever. Pay no attention to him. Depriving him of attention is what is needed today.

For the first time in history, an American president is trying to stop the votes of American citizens from being counted. The Republicans, as usual, are looking the other way.

The election isn’t over when Trump says it is. It’s over when all of the votes have been counted.

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Spike Dolomite
Spike Dolomite

Written by Spike Dolomite

Daily Crime Report - recounts of Trump and the Republicans’ daily disasters, with puns.

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