Second Amendment My Ass

Spike Dolomite
4 min readApr 27, 2019

The NRA is imploding and it is glorious. Donations are way down and lawsuits are sucking up their musket money. Leadership is fighting with each other. President Ollie North wants Wayne LaPierre out and is threatening to release damaging information on him if he won’t resign. Wayne LaPierre is yelling “Extortion!” as the organization goes after Ollie and accuses him of double dipping their musket money. Meanwhile, the feds are sniffing around trying to figure out how much of their musket money came from Russia and which candidates they gave it to.

Second Amendment 2a) Thou Shalt Not Mess with Musket Money.

The NRA had its annual convention in Indianapolis on the same day that Russian spy Maria Butina got sentenced to 18 months in prison. She infiltrated the NRA. Executive Chris Cox greeted everyone at the convention by saying, “They hate us. They hate our trucks, they hate our plastic straws, and yes, they hate our guns. But what they fail to understand is we don’t give a damn what they think.”

Then Trump took the stage. He told the gun nuts that he “caught” coup plotters. “They tried for a coup, didn’t work out so well. And I didn’t need a gun for that one, did I? You’ve been looking at things that you wouldn’t have believed possible in our country. Corruption at the highest level. A disgrace. Spying, surveillance, trying for an overthrow. And we caught them. We caught them……..Far-left radicals in Congress want to take away your voice, your jobs, your rights, and they especially want to take away your guns. You know that. They want to take away your guns. You better get out there and vote.” Then he re-enacted a terrorist massacre in France by using his hand as a gun, shooting into the crowd saying, “Get over here! Boom!!! Get over here! Boom!!!”

Mike Pence made an appearance, too. He told the gun nuts not to worry about their guns, not as long as “this president” and “this vice president” are in the holster.

“With the NRA cratering, Oliver North, President of the NRA, calls for the resignation of Wayne LaPierre, the org’s long-serving chief exec. LaPierre accuses North of extortion. Stunned world wonders: if you can’t trust these two guys, who can you trust?” — Brian DeLay

It’s been more than 2 months since the House passed the most significant gun safety reform in a generation. Mitch McConnell won’t let the Senate vote on it.

A dad in Michigan got pissed off and shot his 2 year old son in the face.

The new Republican tax law taxes little kids’ survivor benefits at 37%. Gold Star children whose parents died while serving in the military have to give back a third of what the government gave them in exchange for their mom or dad.

Corporations like Amazon didn’t pay any taxes at all.

Trump told the press that he’s a young and vibrant man and Joe Biden isn’t.

Trump told the press that what he meant by “fine people on both sides” after Charlottesville was Robert E. Lee. He was defending the fans of Robert E. Lee who were there protesting the removal of his statue. Robert E. Lee’s family called Trump a white supremacist because the fans of their grandpa were chanting “Jews will not replace us” and are not very fine people.

Nearly 100,000 young undocumented immigrants across the nation who will graduate from high school this year and will be faced with limited educational and job opportunities because of their legal status. MAGAs say, fuck ’em. Go back to Mexico.

Republican congressman Duncan Hunter got busted again. This time for videotaping himself jumping over a short fence into what he said was Mexico to show how easy it is to get into the country. People called him out for violating his parole — he’s not supposed to leave the country. He had to admit that he didn’t really jump into Mexico. He lied. It was just some fence in a field. He did it to support Trump’s wall.

The man who runs the armed militia that’s been kidnapping and detaining weary, dehydrated migrants at gunpoint in New Mexico is a 69-year-old convicted felon who said that Trump has personally asked him about Muslim immigration. He was arrested and charged with possessing firearms and ammunition as a convicted felon.

Second amendment my ass.

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Spike Dolomite

Daily Crime Report - recounts of Trump and the Republicans’ daily disasters, with puns. Read them all in quarterly reports in The Treason Chronicles on Kindle.