Self Fulfilling Profitcy

Spike Dolomite
4 min readJun 23, 2019


Trump can’t play piano

Trump called the ICE dogs off so he wouldn’t look bad when Mike Pence does his Latinos for Trump rally in Miami. He solved yet another problem that he alone created which threw the country into a panic. He won’t be rounding up millions of immigrants today after all which of course doesn’t mean anything so people are still panicked.

Now that he’s called off bombing Iran in retaliation for shooting down one of our “unmanned” drones, and solving another problem he himself created, he’s putting additional sanctions on Iran while commending Iran at the same time for not shooting down one of our spy planes with 38 people on it. Good job guys! Make Iran great again! “There was a plane with 38 people yesterday, did you see that?… they had it in their sights and they didn’t shoot it down… we appreciate that they didn’t do that.”

Trump is at Camp David this weekend and he hates it because it’s not gold and shiny with a golf course and he can’t see his name anywhere. This is his 9th visit. So far, he has only spent all or part of 18 days there. At the same time during their own presidencies, Obama had gone 17 times for 40 days and George W Bush made 62 visits totaling 189 days.

Camp David isn’t good enough for Trump.

Trump has made 126 trips to his own clubs, creating revenue for himself — at least $1.6 million so far. Taxpayers pay him to lie around the club just like they pay him to lie around the White House only he makes way more money lying around the club.

Trump tells MAGAs, with a straight face, that his movement is about reclaiming power from a permanent political class that enriches itself at their expense. APPLAUSE! Lock her up! Lock her up!

Another woman says Trump sexually assaulted her. He says he’s never met her, that the Democrats put her up to it, and that she’s just trying to sell a book. This has happened so many times that people are like, the president raped another woman? Not again!

North Korea says Kim Jong-un received a letter from Trump of “excellent content.”

The Hollywood Walk of Fame is getting rid of Trump’s star. It’s tired of fixing it after it gets vandalized and the city council says enough already — the guy doesn’t share the values of West Hollywood.

Republican hypocrite fun fact: Marco Rubio has branded himself Florida’s best Christian on Twitter by regularly tweeting out Bible quotes in his capacity as a US Senator. God answered in a tweet: You can magnify Me by shutting the fuck up you fucking weirdo.

Yes, God is on Twitter.

Sarah Fabian is the name of the DOJ lawyer who went before the appellate court to argue that depriving children who are locked up of basic sanitation is perfectly just. Sarah Fabian is also the DOJ lawyer that asked that a hearing about reuniting children under 5 with their parents not be held on the weekend because she had to dog sit for a friend.

We need the UN and all the other humanitarian organizations to step in. The United States government is guilty of human rights abuses.

Gun nuts succeeded in shutting down the state capitol in Oregon yesterday. One of the militia groups is the Oregon Three Percenters, one of the groups involved in the armed takeover of the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge in 2016 that lasted for a month and ended in one person killed and 27 others arrested. After the governor called the cops on the Republicans for walking off the job and splitting the state to avoid being arrested, the militia groups threatened violence against the government to protect the Republicans who didn’t want to vote on climate legislation.

So now radical conservative militias are threatening elected officials and forcing legislative sessions to close.

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Spike Dolomite

Daily Crime Report - recounts of Trump and the Republicans’ daily disasters, with puns. Read them all in quarterly reports in The Treason Chronicles on Kindle.