Survivor

Spike Dolomite
5 min readSep 2, 2019

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Dorian is the second strongest hurricane in history.

Trump says he’s never heard of a Category 5 hurricane before. There have been 4 Cat 5 hurricanes since he’s been president.

Trump wants to raise greenhouse gas emissions by lifting restrictions for oil and gas companies so they can gobble up more resources and make more money. The 3 major oil and gas companies say, No! Don’t do that! Greedy heartless oil companies have more of a conscience than Trump does. Cat 5 hurricanes will topple their offshore oil rigs.

Gun nuts want to shoot into hurricanes and Trump wants to nuke them. If only the fittest survive, let them. It might be the only way human kind can continue to evolve — let the idiots shoot each other so the smart ones can live on.

Congressman Matt Shaefer of Texas isn’t going to let a simple mass shooting make him vote for ANY gun legislation. He tweeted: I am NOT going to use the evil acts of a handful of people to diminish the God-given rights of my fellow Texans. Period. None of these so-called gun-control solutions will work to stop a person with evil intent.

Got it. God is cool with all of this and so is Matt Schaefer. He’s running unopposed in 2020 so it looks like he’ll survive his online wild west, gun nut, God given right, all you need is Jesus proclamation unless the people of Austin get off their asses and run a sane Democrat against him! Come on Texas, EVOLVE!

Speaking of God and Texas — Ted Cruz and his wife, Heidi, have been lifting people up in prayer after the latest mass shooting in his state. The son of a bitch is 1 of 100 who have actual power to stop this and he’s lifting us all up in prayer. Darwin’s theory doesn’t work when applied to Republicans, especially in Texas.

For those who think both parties are the same — Republicans want more guns and less restrictions and Democrats want fewer guns and more restrictions. That there is one big difference. One has the consciousness of a slithering prehistoric one cell animal and the other has legs and walks upright. Fewer babies would be shot in the face if Democrats were in charge. Fewer pregnant women would be shot in the belly shopping for their families if Democrats were in charge. Fewer little kids would be shot at school if the Democrats were in charge. Fewer teenaged girls who just celebrated their quinceañera would be killed if the Democrats were in charge. Fewer grandmothers praying in churches and temples would be killed if Democrats were in charge. Fewer young couples in love and on a date at the movies would be killed if the Democrats were in charge. More Americans would survive if Democrats were in charge.

9 out of 10 people want assault weapons banned. The only ones who don’t want them banned are those who make money off of them and those who plan on using them.

Republican hypocrite fun fact: Republicans want a ban for everything except guns. Ban abortion, ban same sex marriage, ban immigration, ban Muslims, ban trans people from serving in the military, ban health care, ban unions, but DO. NOT. BAN. GUNS.

Here’s an idea — if you want to play with an AR-15 so bad JOIN THE MILITARY. Let’s see how long the single cell animals in the wild west would survive in a situation where everybody had an AR-15. Dickless, heartless, mindless one cell animal losers.

The mayor of London, Sadiq Khan, said that Trump is the global poster boy for white nationalism. He is. He’s the king of the dickless, heartless, mindless one cell animal losers. He may have survived 7 decades by conning, stealing, lying and cheating but he won’t get away with it much longer after the Democrats are in charge. Trump has only evolved to hyena after 7 decades and not the laughing kind. He’s the kind of predator that everybody else laughs at.

Trump never laughs at all. He can’t. Only evolved people really laugh. The most evolved can really bust a gut. Everybody else is like, “What’s so funny?”

Today is Labor Day. People get the day off because Democrats worked with unions to make that happen. They also worked together to mandate an 8 hour work day, a 5 day work week, good solid pay, overtime, and safety restrictions. They created a public education system so kids could go to school instead of working for cheap and getting their fingers chopped off in dangerous factories. Republicans have always been opposed to workers rights. They’re always trying to weaken unions and starve public education. They can’t maintain power with healthy unions and an educated citizenry. Republicans can’t survive if workers are strong and everybody is educated and votes.

A black man in Alabama was finally let out of jail after he spent 36 years behind bars for robbing a bakery and stealing $50. White rich man Steve Mnuchin, on the other hand, robbed people of their homes and life savings and not only didn’t got to jail, but he is now Trump’s treasury secretary. Rich white men would call that survival of the fittest. Everybody else would call that bullshit.

The top 1% of households have more than twice as much as they did in 2003. The 25 wealthiest families on the planet control $1.4 trillion and they’re not paying any taxes. We are. The earth is on fire and flooding at the same time because we’ve stripped the planet of natural resources. Young people have to live the longest with the consequences of such irresponsibility and greed. They’re angry, terrified and united. Being against extreme inequities in wealth, climate change, for profit medical care, and life time student debt is not “radical,” it’s survival.

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Spike Dolomite
Spike Dolomite

Written by Spike Dolomite

Daily Crime Report - recounts of Trump and the Republicans’ daily disasters, with puns.

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