Aug 9, 2018
Sweating Under the White Collar
Congressman Chris Collins did a press conference in Buffalo at the end of the day where he bragged about being humble and how much he has done for people with AIDS and MS. In fact, one of his best friends has MS. He emphasized that a lot of people have jobs because of him, and that he’s done a lot for the world for free. Blood, sweat and tears. Blood, sweat and tears. So much blood, sweat and tears he has a ring around his collar. He’s lost money but that’s OK because he’s helped people. He was arrested earlier in the day on insider trading charges. He could be sentenced to 150 years. But he’s not guilty! He is being attacked! He’s going to clear his good name and will be running for re-election in November, oh and he won’t be taking any questions. Before getting arrested, Chris Collins bragged about making millionaires in Buffalo, New York, by getting his friends and relatives to invest in the pharmaceutical company that he sits on the board of. He was able to not lose any money for himself and the Buffalo millionaires by making a simple phone call to alert them to dump their stock before bad news went public. He’s confident that Trump will pardon him and he’ll win re-election because white collar criminals stick together.
Former head of Health and Human Services, Tom Price, also held stock in Chris Collins’ company. He lied about it to Congress a year ago. Four Republican congress members have also been implicated in Chris Collins’ insider trading scandal — Mike Conaway of Texas, Doug Lamborn of Colorado, Billy Long of Missouri, and Markwayne Mullin of Oklahoma.
Trump fired 40 employees at the financial watchdog office, the Office of Financial Research, as retaliation for Chris Collins getting busted.
Roger Stone looked pretty stoned last night on Anderson Cooper. Cotton Mouth Stone in his white gangster suit and matching white hat wasn’t worried about a thing (except for falling asleep on Anderson Cooper’s show.) He couldn’t feel the sweat under his whitey white collar because he was too loaded.
As the noose tightens around Stone’s collar, Trump will say he hardly knows Roger Stoned.
Republican Devin Nunes was caught on tape at a starched white collar fundraiser for Cathy McMorris Rodgers. He plotted to impeach Rod Rosenstein. He pretty much admitted that if the Republicans don’t keep the House and Senate they won’t be able to misuse their power to protect Trump.
Republican hypocrite fun fact: Kris Kobach wants to be the next governor of Kansas. He’s the Secretary of State now. Before that, he was the chair of the Republican Party in Kansas. He doesn’t like immigrants and is in favor of a Muslim Registry. He implemented the strongest voter suppression laws in the country and tried to get 20,000 blue collar people removed from the voter rolls. He was the Vice Chairman and the driving force behind Trump’s Commission on Election Integrity, which was supposed to catch the supposed 3 million people who voted illegally. Nothing came of it, of course. The primary race for Governor was close this week so now there has to be a recount. As Secretary of State, he will oversee his own recount for Governor. That’s like taking the dog collar off a pit bull.
Ben Jealous said “fuck” and now Republicans are freaking out. Ben is the Democratic candidate running for the governor of Maryland and he said “fuck.” So what. Everybody and their grandmother is saying “fuck” these days because we’re so freaking hot under the collar. We need a stronger word.
Mike Pence will be delivering remarks on the future of Space Force this morning at the Pentagon. Mother pressed his shirt and collar so he looks his best.
Omarosa taped Trump and wrote a book because of course she did. No collar for Omarosa. You can’t see her diamond necklace if she wears a collar.
Rudy said Mueller can’t interview his reality TV client, the reality TV president, because he might perjure himself. Rudy says hurry up and wrap it up. The reality TV president has more golfing, tweeting, and lying on TV to do.
People actually voted for a candidate who will not talk to a prosecutor because he’s afraid of a “perjury trap.”
Loosen your white collars, gentlemen. In the words of pre-reality TV, sitcom sage George Costanza, “It’s not a lie if you believe it.”
ACTION ITEM FOR THIS DAY: Donate to Andrew Janz’s campaign. He’s running against Devin Nunes.
