The Chosen Ones

Spike Dolomite
4 min readOct 4, 2021

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The new term for the partisan Republican Jesus Federalist Society Supreme Court starts this week. It will hear cases on some of the most contentious issues of our time — abortion, national security, and gun control. Everything is going to plan. The Federalist Society, a powerful, nationwide organization of 60,000 right wing extremist lawyers and other conservatives which has been successful in packing the courts at all levels to favor decisions that fall in line with their religious, far right dogma, is now in control. They believe themselves to be the chosen ones and have chosen their court.

Thanks to Mitch McConnell, the highest court in the land now leans hard right and is very unpopular (37% approval rating.) Republican Jesus Justices are very defensive about that. They don’t like being criticized for doing God’s work by making decisions by not going on record for making decisions by letting things stand in the middle of the night. They have gone on a speaking tour to improve their ratings in the court of popular opinion. That has never happened before. The Court has always tried to maintain itself as non-partisan and transparent. They’re blaming the media, of course. Justice Alito specifically called out journalist Adam Serwer in a speech for reporting on how the Court is using the shadow docket to settle conservative cases by choosing not to settle them.

Entitled, chosen ones Brett Kavanaugh and Neil Gorsuch went to the same Catholic prep school a couple of years apart. Justice Amy Coney Barrett is a member of a weird, secret Catholic cult. Alito is a Catholic. Out of the 115 justices in the history of the Supreme Court, 15 have been Catholics. Of those 15, 7 of them are sitting on the bench right now (only one is liberal — the only Latina.) The other 2 are Jewish. Anthony Kennedy and Antonin Scalia were Catholic. Republicans have set the Evangelists up to raise hell and vote for the chosen one, but the quiet Catholics are really in charge via silent dockets.

California has become the first state to mandate that students ages 12–17 be vaccinated for covid. Once the FDA approves the vaccination for younger kids, they’ll be expected to be vaccinated as well, just like they already are for measles, mumps, chicken pox, polio, rubella. Californian MAGAs are losing their chosen one shit.

Chic chic Kyrsten Sinema left DC mid day on Friday to go back to Arizona for a “doctor’s appointment” and attend a fundraiser at a chic chic spa — a “retreat” for her political action committee that takes money from lobbyists who want her to vote against Biden. Infrastructure bill? Let them eat cake baked by a homophobic baker that gave the LGBTQ senator money for her campaign while driving off of a collapsing bridge.

Louisiana’s senator, John Kennedy went on Tucker Carlson’s show to slam Biden’s new policy on an inheritance tax designed to make wealthier people pay more in taxes, and made it sound like it’s going to hurt the single mom who owns her own trailer and won’t be able to pass her fortune on to her 10 kids when she dies. “ And I guess the moral of the story is this is what happens when you have a president and a treasury secretary who are on a mission from God to please pink-haired wokers who carry around Ziploc bags of kale.”

Governor Kristi Noem, following the chosen one’s lead, posted a video defending herself for meeting with inferiors to pull some nepotistic bullshit, just like Trump would and did.

The Sandy Hook parents who sued Alex Jones for accusing him of staging the mass shooting and the murder of their babies while they were at school have been victorious in their quest to make the king conspiracy theorist who not only spit on innocent dead children, but got his followers so worked up over Sandy Hook being a hoax that they put death threats on their parents, pay. Jones did what he always does and tried to drag things out indefinitely by not complying with requests for discovery. The judge wasn’t having any of it and called it for the parents. He has to pay all of their legal fees now and then the jury will decide how much he must pay in damages.

The Department of Justice is investigating Alex Jones for his role in the insurrection.

Recordings were released of the leadership of the DC Park Police telling police not to do anything on January 6, Trump has sued to get his Twitter account back on the grounds that he’s being denied free speech, the Select Committee is going to make criminal referrals for anyone who defy subpoenas, and women marched for their constitutional rights all over the country this weekend in protest of Greg Abbott and the anti-abortion bill in Texas.

5 million people have died from covid around the world. Half of the world population is still waiting to get the vaccine while the average American idiot is spreading the virus by refusing it.

Covid deaths have surpassed 700,000 making it the deadliest pandemic in American history. None of them were chosen ones. They were either unfortunate victims or American idiots.

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Spike Dolomite
Spike Dolomite

Written by Spike Dolomite

Daily Crime Report - recounts of Trump and the Republicans’ daily disasters, with puns.

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