The Cringe Candidate

Spike Dolomite
4 min readOct 12, 2022

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28 days until the midterms and if so many Americans weren’t so lazy, stupid, racist, and greedy the Democrats would be way ahead everywhere, but races are close. Republican candidates don’t have to spend much or actually campaign because they have the racist, hateful, cutthroat vote in the bag.

Case in point: Republicans are running a dull, ignorant, immoral, pathological liar with brain damage for US Senate in Georgia. They are exploiting his mental illness because they’re confident that he’ll do well with MAGAs, even though he’s Black, and once elected, they can tell him what to do and say, and more importantly, what and where to sign. Their strategy is to run a Black Trump against the Black incumbent in a state where a lot of Black people live. Herschel Walker is the most unqualified candidate they could find. He’s incompetent and embarrassing. He shouldn’t be made to do events and speeches, because it’s demeaning and cruel. By sending him out there the Republicans are making a mockery out of the democratic process while taking advantage of a very sick man. He’s scared to debate his opponent, Raphael Warnock and for good reason. It’s no contest intellectually. They’re set to debate in two days and it will be a freak show. Since Warnock is a Christian minister he will need to balance compassion and aggression when up against such a pitiful sinner. What a task. He needs to win the debate and the race for the good of Georgia and the country, but he’s not going to want to harm God’s child in order to do it. Talk about taking the high road. He’s about to school the nation on seeing the light and humanity in someone who is blissfully unaware that he is sitting in a void, alone, trapped inside a cyclone of spinning MAGA demons.

Here are some of the insane things Walker has said on the campaign trail: Inflation affects women more than men because “they gotta buy groceries.” On education he said, “Our kids are behind, because they want them to be woke. They want to be woke. What about teaching them how to write? How to read? How to spell? But right now, we’ve elected people who want to profit off the misery they give to us.” On the military, “They’re bringing wokeness in our military…..the way we can be a superpower again is by coming together. Because as Pharaoh said, when I wanted to keep my slaves in order, I kept them fighting among each other. But when they came together, something gotta move.” And this nonsensical BS: “If you read the Constitution, and the 14th Amandmant, you know our forefather was apologizing for their whiteness cause they say every man be treated fair. But what has happened, we elected the wrong people to office that didn’t pick that baton up and run with it.” On the environment he said, “They get mad at me cause I say I don’t want any more trees. I don’t. I want police officers. 87 IRS agents. They’re laughing cause I said trees.” On crime, he said, “Crime has gotten awful. I won’t even let my wife go to the mall alone. I won’t let her jog alone. Has anyone talked about a young lady killed in Memphis. She was killed by a black man! Has anyone talked about it? Cause ‘member they were talking about racism.” And then there’s abortion. He says he’s pro-life. “I believe in life. I’m a Christian. It is strange that my opponent…..he seem to be really excited about a woman killing her baby.”

One of the four mothers of his four children came forward and said he paid for her to have an abortion. This would have meant game over before Trump. He’d have to drop out of the race but it didn’t hurt him at all. He denied knowing her so she not only provided the receipts, she said he wanted her to have another abortion when she got pregnant again, but she refused. The result was one of his four kids. He dumped her and the baby. Did it hurt his campaign? Nope. His position on abortion is that it should be illegal in all cases — no exceptions. Republicans are ignoring the fact that he paid for an abortion and lied about it. Walker, like so many Republicans, availed himself of an abortion and would do so again, but wants to take that right away from everybody else.

Senators Tom Cotton and Rick Scott are campaigning with Herschel Walker right now. On stage Walker said, “I don’t think they know they woke up a bear. I’m not just a dog now, I’m a bear…….I’ve been telling this little story about this bull out in the field with six cows, and three of them are pregnant… so you know he’s got something going on.”

The debate on Friday will be cringeworthy to say the least. Walker said of debating Warnock, “I’m a country boy. I’m not that smart. He’s a preacher. He is smart and wears these nice suits. So, he is going to show up and embarrass me.”

If it turns out that Herschel Walker got cows pregnant, Republicans will ignore it.

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Spike Dolomite
Spike Dolomite

Written by Spike Dolomite

Daily Crime Report - recounts of Trump and the Republicans’ daily disasters, with puns.

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