The Mask of Zero

Spike Dolomite
4 min readMay 9, 2020
Rare sighting in the White House — a mask! Brad Parscale, Trump’s campaign manager, models a MAGA mask. For sale!

Trump loves the MAGA mask that his campaign manager, Brad Parscale is selling, but he won’t wear it. He thinks it makes his balls look small. He won’t wear it even though his valet, Mike Pence’s press secretary (Stephen Miller’s wife,) Ivanka’s personal assistant, and 11 secret service have the coronavirus. It’s inside the White House. It’s getting closer. It’s getting closer and closer to HIM.

Trump down plays testing in public (most recently he said testing is over rated and too much testing makes them look bad) but privately he totally freaked out when he learned that his private valet, the guy who brings him his diet Cokes and dusts chunks of Big Mac off of his gargantuan tie, has the coronavirus. He totally blew and got “lava level mad” and blamed his entire staff for not protecting him.

Outwardly, nobody in the White House is worried. According to Trump’s projections, the virus should be out of the building by the end of next week.

“We have a lot of people in the White House wearing masks,” Trump said while standing next to a whole lot of people who weren’t wearing masks.

“The White House has given out more coronavirus than PPE.” — Travis Akers

“There have been more new cases of COVID in the White House over the last 24 hours than the entire country of New Zealand.” — Joshua Potash

Trump and the Third Lady did a photo op with WWII vets, all in their 90s. When asked why they didn’t wear masks Trump said, “I was very far away from them. Plus the wind was blowing so hard in such a direction that if the plague ever reached them, I’d be very surprised.” When the press asked his press secretary about it she said “They made the choice to come here.”

Trump says that German Chancellor Angela Merkel calls him for advice and that other countries view us as a world leader in the pandemic. They most certainly do not. We have 5% of the world’s population and 1/3 of the cases and the president is a mad man. World leaders are staying away from Trump like the plague.

Trump has revised his projected pandemic death toll six times in 18 days.

Uh oh. Obama says the White House’s response to the coronavirus has been an “absolute chaotic disaster.” Now Trump is going to tweet at him.

Unemployment is worse now than during the Great Depression but the stock market is booming. It had its best month since 1987 proving that the stock market isn’t the national economy. It’s the rich white man’s economy.

40% in line for food at food pantries have never done it before.

Martha McSally, the unelected Republican senator sitting in John McCain’s seat because the governor liked her and gave it to her, said she won’t be voting for any more coronavirus relief because she doesn’t want Arizonans to be used as cash cows.

It’s May 9th and Trump still doesn’t have a testing strategy other than everybody in the White House gets a test. Every day. But masks are optional (does this mask make my balls look small?)

Thoughts and prayers for far right Fox News talking head, Todd Starnes. He can’t get a decent piece of toast. He tweeted: Dropped by a department store to buy a toaster oven. Mandatory hand sanitizer squirt and mask. One way aisles and if you deviate from the approved zone for customers — they sternly lecture you. The country as we know it has been destroyed. And I still don’t have a toaster.

Who was that masked man? Was it Zorro? No. Todd Starnes? No. Stephen Miller? No. Trump? No. Trump’s shoe shiner and tie whisker? Nope. It was Trump’s campaign manager, Brad Parscale!

He’s got masks but it will cost you.

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Spike Dolomite

Daily Crime Report - recounts of Trump and the Republicans’ daily disasters, with puns. Read them all in quarterly reports in The Treason Chronicles on Kindle.