The Read Sea

Spike Dolomite
4 min readDec 8, 2023

House Speaker Mike Johnson spoke at an event that he thought was closed to the media only someone live streamed it so the media found out. He’s on video comparing himself to Moses. He said God talks to him every day. Before he was elected Speaker, God told him to prepare for his Red Sea moment. He’s a man on a mission. He admitted that Christians are working from within to take over the government.

Mike Johnson is a theocrat. This is his big break. He was never vetted so being an extreme Christian nationalist had to come as a surprise to some but viewed as an answer to prayers to others. He has risen! Since being elevated to Speaker a lot has come out about him which should sound the alarm bells but there are so many other bells going off people can’t distinguish one bell from another. Here’s what is now known about this weirdo:

· Mike Johnson says that the Ark Encounter exhibition in Kentucky depicting Noah’s ark with humans and dinosaurs coexisting, portraying the Earth as approximately 6,000 years old, and disputing the theory of evolution as a “way to bring people to this recognition of the truth that what we read in the Bible are actual historical events.”

· Mike Johnson proposed a religious test for political candidates at a seminar in 2019. Only those who held a Biblical worldview and believed that the US was a Christian nation should get any support.

· Mike Johnson has never reported having checking or saving accounts on his financial disclosure forms. Either he has no assets or he didn’t disclose them.

· Mike Johnson is a real MAGA Speaker. Kevin McCarthy was a fake one. On January 5, Kevin McCarthy’s general counsel told Mike Johnson that the effort he was organizing to get Republicans to sign on to Trump’s effort to overthrow the election was unconstitutional.

· Mike Johnson endorsed and wrote the foreword to a book that spread the “Pizzagate” conspiracy theory and accused Democrats of being part of a pedophile cult.

· Mike Johnson fought to send young teenagers to conversion therapy camps to turn them straight. He said teenagers could become “former homosexuals” and that being gay is a choice.

· Mike Johnson and his adult son help each other out by monitoring each other’s porn detection software to keep each other from getting out of hand. Pun intended.

· Mike Johnson believes there is no clear right to sodomy in the constitution.

· Mike Johnson supposedly has a black “son,” Michael, who was 14 when he was allegedly adopted by Mike Johnson when he was 25 years old. There is no legal paperwork. He isn’t included in any family photos or featured in any Christmas cards. Michael should be 40 today. Mike Johnson is 51 and refuses to comment on this.

· Mike Johnson had only been on the job a short while when the mass shooting happened in Maine. When asked to comment on it he replied that the problem is not the guns, “it’s the human heart” and waved off any talk about legislation.

Alan Hostetter, a former California police chief who called for the execution of Trump’s political enemies who joined the Capitol attack carrying a hatchet and was just sentenced to 11 years in prison after representing himself in court. He tried to use conspiracy theories in his defense. One of them was January 6 was an inside job.

The Republican who is running for George Santos’ empty seat, Philip Sean Grillo, is a convicted insurrectionist. Like so many idiots who were at the Capitol that day, he videotaped himself. Part of his defense was he didn’t know that Congress met inside the Capitol.

When not engaging in threesomes, mom of three Bridget Ziegler, co-founder of Moms For Liberty, the far right political group that labels LGBTQ books as “pornography” and vilifies teachers, librarians, and authors as pedophiles and groomers, hides from the press. With all that wild sex she has when does she have time to read the books she banned? Where were her kids when the threesomes were going on? Being babysat by the youth pastor?

A mom in Texas was carrying a nonviable fetus and went to court to ask for permission to terminate the pregnancy so she wouldn’t die or be left unable to ever conceive again. She was granted permission but then the attorney general, Ken Paxton threatened to throw the doctors in jail if they followed through on a court order. He sent letters to 3 hospitals threatening to prosecute anyone who helped provide an emergency abortion.

“What kind of shithole country forces a woman to beg a judge’s permission to have healthcare?” — Jeff Tiedrich

The US economy added another 199,000 jobs in November. More Americans are working more than ever. But Biden sucks?

It’s the second night of Hanukah. Don’t go to Hobby Lobby for party plates or menorah candles. They refuse to sell Hanukah products.



Spike Dolomite

Daily Crime Report - recounts of Trump and the Republicans’ daily disasters, with puns. Read them all in quarterly reports in The Treason Chronicles on Kindle.