The Rise and Fall of the American Elf

Spike Dolomite
4 min readNov 3, 2017


Another Trump campaign adviser has come forward to say George Papadopoulos told everybody in that now infamous, photographed meeting that he had a friend in London, a Russian ambassador, who could arrange a meeting between the campaign and a Russian operative. Trump was interested but Senator Sessions said that they had to be careful because that could leak.

Senator Al Franken sent Attorney General Jeff Sessions a letter asking him why he lied under oath about his involvement with the Russians.

Law professor and former ethics lawyer for George W. Bush, Richard Painter, says he believes that the fix is in. Trump has set Sessions up to take the fall. Once he’s out of the picture, the new acting Attorney General will fire Mueller.

A bunch of white middle class people (with a token black man strategically placed behind a white Republican lawmaker with a vagina) stood with the House Republicans to sell the rest of us on their new tax plan that they drafted in secret without Democrats. They say their plan will save lives and make America great again.

Donald Trump was right about something! We will be able to fill our taxes out on a postcard because under his new plan, we won’t be getting deductions because we won’t need them! Deductions are for rich people and rich people are bad, right? Bad! No more state and local tax deductions. Mortgage interest will be capped at $10,000. No out of pocket medical expenses. No alimony deductions. No more deducting the money you spend on paying professionals to do your taxes because you won’t need them anymore! You can do it yourself on a postcard!

Trump claims that his tax plan will bring businesses back to America. Why would they do that when they’re paying slave labor wages overseas? Passing tax savings on to workers? Come on. That’s not the cut throat corporate American way. Unless, of course, workers are all American and they are represented by a union. Then businesses will pass their savings on to workers because they’re forced to.

Trump’s tax plan is for the biggest, richest corporations and the biggest, richest families. Ordinary families will lose a lot to save $100 a year. Merry Christmas!

Republican hypocrite fun fact: Speaker Paul Ryan dodges questions about treason but can stand right next to Trump, smiling and even touching him with a forced pat on the back, while Trump talks about his Merry Christmas tax plan. Ryan has gotten really good at smiling while keeping puke from spewing out of his mouth.

When asked why he hasn’t filled the many empty positions in the State Department, Trump said he doesn’t need to because he’s the only one who matters. He won’t nominate people but blames Democrats for obstructing. Obstructing. That’s a big word. He knows so many big words. Big. Big word.

Energy Secretary Rick Perry said that fossil fuels help prevent sexual assault because you can’t get raped with the lights on.

Trump took to Twitter to scream for the death penalty for the New York terrorist. Presidents are never supposed to weigh in on criminal cases because their opinion keeps defendants from getting a fair trial.

Whoever says the Dems and Repugs are the same got a reminder yesterday that they’re not. Dems eat their own while the Repugs eat everybody else. Former DNC chair Donna Brazile and Senator Elizabeth Warren are eating Hillary.

While collusion eats up the headlines, emoluments is eating delicious chocolate cake at Mar-a-Lago. Trump has given people jobs who have paid him money in past or current business dealings.

A disgruntled employee at Twitter deactivated Trump’s account on his way out the door. America jumped for joy for 11 minutes until the disgruntled employee’s boss found out and gave baby Trump his bottle back. Critics say that’s a huge security risk because the employee could have done more than deactivated his account. He could have posted something about martians invading Earth. Trump having a Twitter account at all is a security risk.

Business has been hurting at Papa John’s Pizza. CEO Papa Schnatter blames black football players. Papa is as hostile to civil rights as he is to the Affordable Care Act. He said he had to raise the price of his crappy pizza to give employees health insurance. Papa lives in a mansion the size of Delaware.

Trump is on his way to Asia. Before getting on Airforce One, he ranted about Hillary and ISIS and our lousy justice department. Will Humpty Trumpty be able to jump over the firewall so he can tweet in China?

It’s been 288 days.



Spike Dolomite

Daily Crime Report - recounts of Trump and the Republicans’ daily disasters, with puns. Read them all in quarterly reports in The Treason Chronicles on Kindle.