They’re Coming to Take Me Away

Spike Dolomite
5 min readOct 9, 2020

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Trump lost 13 votes after the FBI foiled a plot by a right wing white supremacist Vanilla ISIS militia group to kidnap Governor Whitmer of Michigan and overthrow the government. The FBI infiltrated the gun nuts’ group. They met with them in the basement of a vacuum store via a trap door covered with a rug. Their plan was to kidnap the governor, attack a police facility and kill all the police, blow up a bridge, then seize the state capitol. They could go to jail for the rest of their lives. On April 17, 2020 Trump tweeted: LIBERATE MICHIGAN! Last night he attacked the governor several times on Twitter. He needed those 13 votes. He only won Michigan by a tiny margin in 2016 — a total of 10,704 votes.

Right after the Commission on Presidential Debates announced the next debate would be virtual for health reasons, Trump called in to Fox and said, “That’s not acceptable to us. I’m not going to do a virtual debate” because they could cut him off whenever they wanted to. He changed his mind 2 more times by the end of the day. He wants to do a super spreader MAGA rally tomorrow instead. It’s OK. He’s got a doctor’s note.

Trump called Senator Kamala Harris a “monster” several times and ranted on and on about indicting Hillary Clinton for an hour during a Fox News phone interview with Maria Bartiromo yesterday morning. He demanded that Obama and Biden be charged for crimes. He boasted about being fully recovered from the virus — “I’m back because I’m a perfect physical specimen.” He described the drug Regeneron as “a cure” and said he wasn’t contagious. “Remember this: when you catch it you get better, and then you’re immune.” He blamed Gold Star families for giving him the virus by saying that they gave it to him when they hugged him after the event he had for them last week. He bragged about killing terrorists that are “bigger names than Osama bin Laden.” When asked what he wants to accomplish in a second term, Trump said “I have done more for the Black community than any president except Abraham Lincoln.”

At the end of the day he called in to Sean Hannity’s show and said that Joe Biden would turn the US into “a 9th world country, not even a 3rd world country.” He claimed that Biden would tear down buildings and replace them with “new buildings with tiny windows.” He said the governor of Virginia executed a baby and that “California is gonna have to ration water. You wanna know why? Because they send millions of gallons of water out to sea, out to the Pacific. Because they want to take care of certain little tiny fish, that aren’t doing very well without water. Number one, should let water come down from the north, and accept it instead of throwing it out to the Pacific. But you always have to have forest management.” He took credit for HIS justice department stopping the assassination attempt on Governor Whitmer without ever expressing concern for the governor.

Trump says he beat Biden in the second debate which hasn’t happened yet. He’s shooting amateur quality campaign videos outside using the White House as a backdrop for each one. He made one for the military and another for seniors. “To my favorite people in the world! The seniors! I’m a senior! I know you don’t know that. Nobody knows that. Maybe you have to tell ’em, but I’m a senior. You’re not vulnerable, but they like to say the vulnerable, but you’re the least vulnerable — but for this one thing you are vulnerable.”

Nancy Pelosi is seriously concerned about Trump’s mental state and the fact that many people in the top levels of government have beome infected with the virus. She announced new legislation this morning that provides for a bi-partisan commission, under the 25th amendment, to evaluate a president’s medical or mental stability and, if warranted, recommend removal of the president to Congress and the vice president if he or she is incapacitated and refuses to relinquish power.

Senator Mike Lee of Utah gave away the Republican authoritarian goal in a tweet: Democracy isn’t the objective; liberty, peace, and prosperity are. We want the human condition to flourish. Rank democracy can thwart that.

The president of Notre Dame, Rev. John Jenkins, could be forced to resign. Students started a petition calling for him to go and the faculty voted “no confidence” in him after he accepted an invitation to go to the White House to kiss Trump’s ass and leave with the coronavirus.

Since Trump forbids any contract tracing for the Rose Garden event for Amy Coney Barrett, the reporters of USA Today have taken the matter into their own hands and have published a photo of the audience with numbers on each person and have asked readers to identify them so they can contact guests themselves.

Scientific American broke their 175 year tradition of never endorsing a presidential candidate by endorsing Joe Biden because Trump has badly damaged the country and rejects evidence and science.

Turns out Trump made doctors sign non-disclosure agreements when he went to Walter Reed last year. HIPAA already protects his privacy but he made them sign anyway so could intimidate them and sue them if they told anybody why he was there.

Pence canceled his trip to Indiana today where he was supposed to participate in early voting. No one knows why. Perhaps he swallowed a fly.

25 days until we get to vote.

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Spike Dolomite
Spike Dolomite

Written by Spike Dolomite

Daily Crime Report - recounts of Trump and the Republicans’ daily disasters, with puns.

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