Three Wishes

Spike Dolomite
4 min readDec 6, 2023

Speaker Mike Johnson first said that there weren’t enough votes to impeach Joe Biden and a couple of days later he said never mind, let’s impeach the president as if he was an item in his Amazon Prime cart. Republicans admitted that they’re doing this as a tactic to “give Trump ‘a little bit of ammo to fire back’” so he can point to Biden and say, See? See? Biden got impeached too!

Impeaching Joe Biden — Republican Wish #1

The people who are impeaching Joe Biden are also protecting the people who attacked the Capitol and injured 150 cops. Mike Johnson says he is going to release new video of January 6 but he’s going to blur the rioters’ faces so the DOJ can’t catch them. Does this mean that they have given up on their theories that the attackers were Antifa, BLM and tourists? The FBI should already have all of that footage. If not, Mike Johnson blurring faces would be obstruction of justice.

House Oversight Chair Jim Comer has taken to digging up old news stories and recycling old failed accusations and presenting them as “breaking news.” One of them is AH HA! Joe Biden loaned Hunter money! Joe Biden loaned his son money to buy a truck when he was a private citizen like any dad would do if he could, and Hunter paid him back, like any former addict should. Bad credit is common with addicts. It comes with the territory. A dad helping his kid get a car is pretty common. Not a story. The story should be Jim Comer is wasting time and resources on a witch hunt. The media has normalized this like they have all things Trump. Jim Comer probably made his kids reimburse him for their braces, glasses, and class field trips.

“BREAKING: NEW BIDEN SCANDAL DROPS! in 1975, Joe Biden bought his son Hunter an ice cream cone. JAMES COMER HAS THE RECEIPT.” — Jeff Tiedrich

Impeaching Hunter Biden — Republican Wish #2

Tubby the Tuba Tommy Tuberville finally threw in the towel. The blocks on military appointments have been lifted. All but 11 of the 425 nominations were passed with a single voice vote. The rest will be passed by roll call vote. What Tubby did was disgraceful but it won’t hurt him back in Alabamy. People who voted for him are as dumb as he is. Senator Mark Kelly of Arizona has been trying to get Tubby to knock it off for months. As a former Navy captain, Kelly understands the lasting damage that has been inflicted on the military, services members, and families with this stunt. He called him out for hurting the readiness of the military. “Tuberville either doesn’t understand that or just doesn’t care, but it doesn’t make a difference, because the consequences are the same.” Mark Kelly had three words for Tubby when he found out he threw in the towel. Was it, “Fuck you, fart sniffer”? No. He doesn’t cuss like a blogger. As a respectable US senator and veteran he said, “About damn time.” That’s as much as Senator Mark Kelly cusses.

Home Depot donated $1,000,000 to support the members of Congress who voted not to certify the 2020 election. Shop at Lowe’s.

George Santos was finally expelled but the story didn’t hit the American public as something rare and disgraceful. It hit as late-night fodder and online memes. He’s a joke. Santos represents the entire Republican party — a joke. HBO is already making a movie about him and he’s cashing in on his late-night meme noteriety by charging people a couple of hundred bucks to make videos for them. One of his first customers was democratic senator John Fetterman. He paid Santos to troll fellow democratic senator, Robert Hernandez for not resigning after being federally indicted, illuminating the contrast between parties. Republicans cover for each other when they get indicted and Democrats pay indicted and expelled members of Congress to troll indicted Democrats.

Hell hath no fury like a drag queen expelled from Congress.

When Republican Congressman Tim Burchett was asked about Santos he said, “We’re a bunch of sinners.” Does he mean everybody or just Republicans in Congress?

Mike Johnson had said he wanted his caucus to vote their conscience when voting to expel Santos. He and the rest of House leadership went ahead and voted not to expel because House leadership has no conscience.

Don’t let George Santos make videos about us — Republican Wish #3

The Republican heart is so dead and cold that not a single member of congress has had an emotional breakdown because their conscience couldn’t take it anymore. I truly decent person who got caught up in the cult and then got out of the cult would have exploded by now. They all seem to be sleeping just fine at night with whoever.

Speaking of sleeping with whoever and being just fine with it (until you get caught), Moms for Liberty supporters are saying of their co-founder, Bridgit Ziegler, that getting caught getting it on with your husband and another woman at the same time is nobody’s business. “What they do in their private life is private.” What everybody else does in their private lives is not only not private it shall be legislated.

Moms for Liberty Bridget Ziegler, co-author of the Don’t Say Gay law in Florida, is BI-SEXUAL. Hello? George Santos? Here’s a couple hundred bucks. Make a video about Moms for Liberty: It’s not gay if it’s a three way!

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Spike Dolomite

Daily Crime Report - recounts of Trump and the Republicans’ daily disasters, with puns. Read them all in quarterly reports in The Treason Chronicles on Kindle.