Russia has detained a US citizen, Paul Whelan, in Moscow for being a spy. Putin has a hostage now for leveraging purposes, a potential swap for Maria Butina, who he supposedly doesn’t know. Spy for a spy. If found guilty, Whelan could go to prison for 10–20 years.

Lindsey Graham now says that Trump’s wall has become a metaphor for border security. He tweeted to Nancy Pelosi and the Democrats: No wall money, no deal.

John Kelly is out. He’s patting himself on the back saying he saved us from getting blown to smithereens by Trump. He dares anybody to try and do it.

“Outgoing White House Chief of Staff John F. Kelly says that it was hard work enabling Donald Trump. And, yet, history will record that Kelly’s distinct combination of racism, dishonesty and flagrant disregard for democratic norms succeeded in making a miserable presidency worse.” — John Nichols

Sarah Huckabee Sanders wants to leave but she can’t find another job in a job market that is supposedly the best it has ever been.

Trump’s new acting secretary of defense, Patrick Shanahan, has no foreign policy or military experience.

Republicans are criticizing Nancy Pelosi for being on vacation while being on vacation.

A 7 year old black girl was shot and killed in a Walmart parking lot in Houston when a white gunman opened fire on a car she was traveling in with her mom and 3 other little girls.

NRA’s ice queen and shitty mom, Dana Loesch, would have shot the shooter right back.

There are 30 Trump Towers all over the world and Russian money is being laundered through all of them.

More people died from lettuce than undocumented immigrants in 2018.

As Monty Python said at the end of Life of Brian, always look at the bright side of life. Trump may have come close to destroying the great American experiment and causing the whole world to hate us, but all is not lost. Germany bounced back and is taking on more global responsibility and they had Hitler.

Hey MAGAs — he’s not the messiah — he’s a very naughty boy.

So 2018 sucked and we have an imbecile tyrant who is owned by the Russians for a president and a Republican party that is as corrupt as Trump, but we also had the Parkland kids, people in the streets, a whole new generation of kids who aren’t afraid of “others,” Dr. Christine Blasey Ford, Me Too, the Obamas, Bob Mueller, Beto O’Rourke, Stacey Abrams, and the blue wave.

We also had the parents of Mollie Tibbetts, the Iowa student who was murdered by an undocumented farm worker. They took in an immigrant child after his Mexican immigrant parents (who worked on the same farm as the alleged murderer) fled out of fear. Trump and the Republicans had politicized her murder and used it to target all immigrants as murderers so they left. Their son wanted to finish school. That’s all they ever wanted. To live and work in America and send theirs kids to school.

We’re still good. There are more Tibbetts than there are Trumps.

2018 was a bad year for conservatives. Let’s rejoice in that. They’re so repulsive that nobody will have sex with them. Not even drunk conservatives. Nobody wants to hire high profile conservatives and landlords say no way if they smell conservatism on your breath. You can’t get the stench out of the carpet and walls after they move out. Hey conservatives! A good new year’s resolution for you all would be STOP BEING A DICK.

Bob Corker? GONE! Jeff Flake? GONE! Dana Rohrabacher? GONE! Orrin Hatch? GONE! Paul Ryan? GONE! Howdy Doody Children of the Corn Trey Gowdy? GONE!

Rejoice. Rejoice. Rejoice rejoice rejoice!

New legal teams are in place to take Trump on on January 3. Rejoice!

2019 is going to be the year of the woman in Congress. We have a record number of women being sworn in of all shapes, sizes, colors, ages, sexual orientation, socio-economic status, and religion. Nancy Pelosi has Trump’s balls in her purse and she’s not going to give them back. Elizabeth Warren has announced she is running for president in 2020. If she wins, she’ll have Wall Street by the balls.

The Republicans are acting like the Blue Wave and Me Too never happened.

Happy New Year.

Rejoice!

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Daily Crime Report - recounts of Trump and the Republicans’ daily disasters, with puns. Read them all in quarterly reports in The Treason Chronicles on Kindle.