Trumper Humpers

Trump is buying off farmers again with taxpayer dollars. $28 billion in 2 years. He single handedly killed their export markets with his trade war and now he’s giving them a government hand out for Thanksgiving so they’ll be grateful to him and be Forever Trumpers. Behold, his tweet: Our great Farmers will recieve another major round of “cash,” compliments of China Tariffs, prior to Thanksgiving. The smaller farms and farmers will be big beneficiaries. In the meantime, and as you may have noticed, China is starting to buy big again. Japan deal DONE. Enjoy!

Really really rich farmers get the socialist boost too, farmers like Senator Chuck Grassley. He’s one of the richest guys in the Senate. The Resistance calls him Farmer Trumper.

68% of Americans watched, heard, or read about the impeachment hearings last week. 51% of Americans say Trump should be impeached and removed, 70% say it was wrong to ask a foreign leader to investigate a political rival. So that means that 19% say bribing another country to win an election is wrong but they’re cool with it, making them Semi Trumpers.

“Wistfully remembering the good old days of Richard Nixon, when disgraced presidents had the decency to resign.” — Barbara McQaude

Marie Yovanovitch walked into a small DC jazz nightclub last night and everybody leapt to their feet, applauded, and thanked her. Trumpers didn’t clap because Trumpers don’t go to jazz clubs.

Trump is going to award the National Medal of Arts to Trumper actor Jon Voight because he doesn’t like jazz.

Trumper Elise Stefanik’s opponent, Tedra Cobb, raised $1 million dollars and gained 230,000 Twitter followers over the weekend. Democratic challengers are really excited about this week.

Meanwhile, Bill Barr and Jeff Sessions are calling The Resistance out. Look out, rich old white man Trumpers. The Resistance is coming for you too.

A family in Fresno, California gathered in the backyard for a football watching party when somebody showed up and shot 10 of them, killing 4. Oh well. Go back to what you were doing. We’re not safe in our own backyards anymore but it’s the cost we must pay for freedom.

Republican Trumper Senator Ron Johnson of Wisconsin says the whistleblower “exposed things that didn’t need to be exposed.” Ron Johnson was one of the members of Congress who went to Moscow on the 4th of July which has never fully been exposed.

Speaking of skanky Republican senators, Senator James Lankford was having lunch with his wife at a food court in a mall in Oklahoma when a good ol’ boy walked up and said, “Get your head out of Trump’s ass and get out of here you Republican fucking scum bag!” He did. He and his wife got the hell out of there and quick.

A Trumper senator got run out of a mall in Oklahoma by a good ol’ boy. Don’t let the door of your very expensive automobile hit you on the ass as you screech out of the mall parking lot!

Mike Pence’s aide, Jennifer Williams, told Congress she was on a phone call with Pence and the Ukranian President Zelensky and that it was inappropriate. Trump attacked her and called her a “Never Trumper.” Pence didn’t defend her and press secretary, What’s Her Face, said “She is a State Department employee.” What’s that supposed to mean? All State Department employees are Always Trumpers?

Oh look, another pay to play Trumper, MAGA San Diego billionaire Doug Manchester. He was asked by Ronna McDaniel, the chair of the RNC (and Mitt Romney’s niece), to donate $500,000 while the Senate was deciding whether or not to confirm him as ambassador to the Bahamas. He had already donated $1 million to Trump’s inauguration fund. He never got confirmed but he’s cool with it. That’s politics. He’s still a Trumper.

Trump was last seen rushing into a car with his shirt partially opened to go to Walter Reed Medical Center. He hasn’t been seen in public since and he doesn’t have anything on his calendar today.

“Today the White House press secretary will announce that Trump successfully donated a kidney to a kid dying of cancer and that the fake news media almost ruined this act of bravery with their questions. The kid of course would like to remain anonymous and Trump’s scar has completely healed.” — Jeremy Newberger

Get the hell out of here, Trumper humpers!

Support the Daily Crime Report on Patreon!

For a copy of the Mueller Report, click here.

For a list of attorneys giving legal analysis about the imploding Trump presidency on Twitter, click here.

For the best journalists to follow on Twitter, click here.

For straight news, check out these reliable sources on Twitter.

The Daily Crime Reports are being published as “quarterly reports” (three month groups) as part of “The Treason Chronicles” on Amazon for Kindle. To purchase one or more quarters, click here.



Daily Crime Report - recounts of Trump and the Republicans’ daily disasters, with puns. Read them all in quarterly reports in The Treason Chronicles on Kindle.

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store
Spike Dolomite

Daily Crime Report - recounts of Trump and the Republicans’ daily disasters, with puns. Read them all in quarterly reports in The Treason Chronicles on Kindle.