Trumplicans

Spike Dolomite
4 min readOct 15, 2021

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As expected, Steve Bannon blew off the subpoena to appear before the Select Committee so the committee has moved to hold him in criminal contempt. According to the 3 day rule, they will vote on Tuesday to move it on for a full House vote. If it passes, it goes to Merrick Garland who will decide whether or not to prosecute. The House is doing everything possible, when it’s possible to do it, respecting due process. If they broke any rules or skipped any steps we’d be Russia or China. We’re still America. For now.

Andrew McCabe, the former deputy director for the FBI who Trump fired out of spite hours before he retired to rob him of the pension he worked his whole career for, got his full pension and back pay. He got everything that was owed to him, except for an apology from that shithead Trump.

The Trumplican running for governor in Virginia, Glenn Youngkin, held a campaign event where supporters pledged allegiance to a flag that one of them had carried at the insurrection on January 6.

Trumplican Marjorie Taylor Greene thinks that fixing bridges that are falling down and roads that have split in two is communism.

Trumplican Madison Cawthorn wants parents to pull their kids out of public schools.

After the Capitol was attacked nobody tried to move the president of the United States to a safe location because he planned the attack. He was watching it on TV, commenting on the crowd size.

Trumplican, QAnon weirdo, anti-masker and anti-vaxxer Alan Hostetter, one of the insurrectionists in custody who is affiliated with the Three Percenters and is being charged with conspiracy and plotting to attack the US government weeks before it happened, is representing himself. The guy is a former police chief with a hefty pension and can certainly afford a decent lawyer, but he’s representing himself because he’s smarter than any lawyer. He also happens to be a former yoga instructor from the beaches of Orange County in Southern California, home of the John Birch Society from the 1960s, grandfathers to the QAnon weirdos and Trumplicans. The peaceful yogi was against the peaceful transfer of power and has landed himself in jail where his oming and meditating is sure to annoy cellmates.

Democrat in name only Kyrsten Sinema isn’t just shopping in Europe. She’s fundraising! The woman isn’t even up for re-election until 2024, but she’s kissing up to Americans in Paris! Some of us have jobs, Sinema. Get to work.

Homophobic, sexist Trumplican Tucker Carlson mocked new dad Pete Buttigieg on his show for taking paternity leave to care for his newborn adopted twins with his husband, Chasten. “Paternity leave, they call it, trying to figure out how to breastfeed, no word on how that went.”

A school administrator in Texas was caught on tape telling teachers that if they have any books about the Holocaust in their classroom that they should also have books about the “opposing” perspective. There are no both sides to the Holocaust. Very Trumplican. “There are very fine people on both sides.”

California, the quintessential anti-Trumplican state, the antithesis of Texas, has become the first state to require ethnic studies for high school graduation. Watch Tucker Carlson spend the rest of Biden’s term talking about how California is forcing critical race theory on viewers’ grandkids and forcing boys to wear a dunce cap in LeLeche class.

Real men read real fairy tales to their grandsons. Stories like Trumpelstiltskin — the story of how women better make gold out of straw or else.

Since August, 430 employees have tested positive for covid in the Polk school district in Florida. 17 of them couldn’t make gold out of straw and died.

“Trumpism is a cultural problem not just a political problem. We have got a nation of people now who have no grounding in what our country’s system of government really is. They would rather don the red cap of hostility.” — Rick Wilson

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Spike Dolomite
Spike Dolomite

Written by Spike Dolomite

Daily Crime Report - recounts of Trump and the Republicans’ daily disasters, with puns.

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