Two More Days!!!

Spike Dolomite
5 min readJan 18, 2021

The Republicans are licking the bottom of the barrel of flying monkeys. 25 year old Congressman Madison Cawthorn says the MAGA Mob was paid by Democrats, Lindsey Graham is blaming Nancy Pelosi for the attack on the Capitol, Ben Sasse is using this opportunity to reinvent himself as the face of the Neo-Republican Party so he can run in 2024, and Mike Pence is bragging that Trump is the first president in decades to NOT get America into a new war.

It’s MLK Day. How many Republicans will post Martin Luther King quotes today? What will Marco Rubio tweet? Honoring MLK today would be just as blasphemous as him tweeting out Bible scripture every fucking day.

How many people will post MLK quotes today who voted for Trump?

Luckily, the Q raids on state capitols didn’t happen yesterday. Nobody tried to take over any state governments in honor of Q’s special day, the 17th. Perhaps news of people getting arrested for trying to take over the federal government penetrated the wall between reality and right wing fake news and paranoia and prompted Q dimwits and pee in your pants Proud Boys to pause and actually think for minute and after thinking for a minute they decided they didn’t want to go to jail for their cult leader after all.

Couy Griffin, the founder of Cowboys for Trump, got sworn in as an Otero County Commissioner in Southern New Mexico and got arrested a couple of days later because he bragged about how he was going to go to the inauguration, armed, during the ceremony. Turns out he was already at the Capitol the week before and is being investigated.

A pastor took part in the insurrection and filmed a hostage video of himself inside the Capitol saying he didn’t care about his reputation. He was doing it for his nation and daughter. He kept coughing and wiping his nose. Could have been the tear gas or it could have been COVID. Life is just a barrel of infected monkeys in Q Land.

Shhh! Shhhh! Quiet down everybody! Zip Ties Eric Munchel’s mom wants to say something…….“I’d rather die as a 57 year old woman than live under repression.”

“What exactly were these mediocre, entitled, privileged brats protesting in their caveman patriot cosplay? How specifically has this nation so grievously wronged them — other than given them everything?” — John Pavlovitz

The Organic Shaman who has been on a quasi food strike because the jail doesn’t serve organic food is getting his organic food per judge’s orders, making him the most entitled and privileged of all of the most entitled and privileged white assholes that tried to overturn the government. He even sat in the President’s chair in his horns and fur as a self proclaimed White Man Pro Tempore, then led the insurgents in a prayer and and asking someone to take his picture. Now he’s getting organic food specially made for him in jail.

The Organic Shaman’s mom says that’s right, only the best for her boy. The zip tie guy went to riot with his mom. The head of the Proud Boys, Enrique Tarrio, lives with his mom, and more and more spoiled, impotent, entitled, white boys are getting arrested in their moms’ basements.

The 25,000 National Guard troops protecting the inauguration will have to be vetted by the FBI because defense officials are concerned that there could be service members who could be working on behalf of the insurgents. This is third world, banana republic stuff.

All those white people storming the Capitol weren’t the forgotten working class of the heartland who felt ignored bypoliticians in DC who were suffering from an acute case of economic anxiety, like the media originally reported. No, these guys all had enough money and time to travel and stay in DC. They follow Trump because he hates all the same people they do. They went to DC to get something for nothing and ended up getting nothing for something — jail.

Republicans accuse liberals of wanting something for nothing by way of “government handouts” when it’s the Republicans who want something for nothing. They want to keep things the way they’ve always been (hence the term, “conservative) by defending and protecting at all costs their good fortune of being born white, affording them every opportunity and advantage without ever having to actually work for it.

The FBI is investigating a woman who might have stolen Nancy Pelosi’s laptop to perhaps try and sell it to the Russians.

Some staffers for Trump’s re-election campaign are being investigated for helping plan the attack on the Capitol. They’re frantically trying to erase their online footprints but to no avail. We’ll be hearing more about them soon.

Rudy says he won’t be defending Trump in the Senate trial because he made a speech at the Stop the Steal rally which makes him a witness. That’s not it. Trump stiffed him so Rudy is stiffing him back. Or maybe he’s worried that The New York State Bar Association might kick him out while he’s in the middle of his big important trial. That leaves Lin Wood. Nobody else would take this case with a 10 foot TRUMP flag pole.

Trump is expected to issue around 100 pardons and commutations tomorrow. All bad guys who either did him a favor that landed them in jail or they will be doing him a favor after jail with pay to play. Trump is cashing out the day before he goes — money for pardons.

2 more days. Breathe.

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Spike Dolomite

Daily Crime Report - recounts of Trump and the Republicans’ daily disasters, with puns. Read them all in quarterly reports in The Treason Chronicles on Kindle.