America is so screwed up right now that guys like Steve Mnuchin are still driving their convertibles with their tops down and their mistresses sitting next to them with their tops down, but the dim wits who bought tickets are finally watching them drive by and starting to ask themselves, “Hey wait a minute, what’s under that big top? When did the circus come to town?” Um, about 40 years ago and it’s all an act. You’ve been had and you should really try and get your money back but it’s too late. They have all of it.

Mitch McConnell is looking forward to filling the next SCOTUS seat. America is looking forward to filling the next toilet seat with the used hemorrhoid wipes that his aides are going to find in the top drawer of his roll top desk where he stuffs all of the gifts he’s received from Russia and the NRA. His hemorrhoids have gotten a lot worse since he’s been sitting on his ass doing nothing but saying “NO” for 10 years. He hates his nickname, “Moscow Mitch. He says it’s “over the top.” So keep calling him Moscow Mitch.

Mike Pence hand lunch with a gay man on the east coast of Ireland while he was there promoting his boss’s golf club on the west coast. The prime minister is gay and Pence had lunch with his partner. Was he alone? If so, is that the same as dining alone with a woman who is not his wife? Was mother there? They shook hands. What does it mean if Mike Pence holds hands with a gay man, alone? Mother!

Speaking of self hating closeted gay men, McKrae Game, the founder of one of the nation’s largest conversion therapy programs, Hope for Wholeness, has come out as gay. Gee, that’s a shocker.

The House Judiciary Committee plans to hold public hearings in October on Trump’s alleged role in hush money payments to 2 porn stars during the 2016 erection. Liberals are yawning. So Trump saw women who weren’t his wife topless. Big deal. Are we really interested in who is having sex with who? Republicans are. They’re still talking about Monica Lewinsky. If naked ladies is what is going to bring Trump down, then fine, but it would be way more just if he was brought down for crimes against humanity, obstruction of justice and blowing up our government.

One bit of good news — the top heavy Republicans in North Carolina can’t cheat anymore. Their gerrymandered map has been ruled illegal by the state court. It must be redrawn before the next election.

Republican hypocrite fun fact: North Carolina tea party Republican Thom Tillis is against the government regulating anything, even making food service workers wash their hands after they poop. Mustard with your top dog? No thanks, I’m leaving.

Speaking of Thom Tillis and North Carolina, both he and their other US senator are ranked at the top for who gets the most money in Congress from the NRA. Richard Burr got $7 million in 2014 and Thom Tillis got $4.5 million.

Kroger and Walmart are asking their customers not to shop with loaded guns in their pants, purses, bras or holsters.

A new school is being built in Michigan with curved walls and hiding places specifically designed to deter active shooters. If someone tries to kill everybody with an AR-15, good news! Everybody gets to go to the top of the class!

Meghan McCain doesn’t want anybody messing with America’s AR-15s. “The AR-15 is the most popular gun in America. If you take them away, you’re going to have violence.” Um….

Tucker Carlson said the same thing. If the government tries to buy back AR-15s Americans will murder Americans. Americans are already murdering Americans. That’s why THEY SHOULD BE TAKEN AWAY.

“They should make a reality show with Sarah Sanders, Meghan McCain, and Sean Spicer where they go to a deserted island and there are no cameras and they just stay there and no one ever has to hear from those assholes again.” — Tony Posnanski

“Ivanka, kindly remind your father that he is not supposed to wear white supremacy after Labor Day.” — George Takei

Barack Obama was so clean he never even needed a lawyer. He could wear white after Labor Day, too. Nobody can top that.

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Daily Crime Report - recounts of Trump and the Republicans’ daily disasters, with puns. Read them all in quarterly reports in The Treason Chronicles on Kindle.