Spike Dolomite
4 min readSep 18, 2020


Both Trump and Biden were stumping for their campaigns last night. “Sleepy Joe” was wide awake and stood on his feet for an hour and a half and nailed every question. Trump forgot where he was and tried to play it off by acting like he couldn’t pronounce the name of the town he was in.

Trump has nothing to run on for his re-election so he’s just recycling his stump speech from 2016 and calling people names. Joe has plenty to run on including the literal fate of our democracy.

Trump’s campaign is cheating by waging a multistate, multimillion dollar legal battle against mail-in voting during a deadly pandemic. He’s going to stop people from voting, one way or the other, including scaring the crap out of people so they won’t vote. If they don’t trust the postal service to deliver their ballot, he’s going to intimidate them from showing up at the polls by sending out armed guards to police the polls on Election Day. “Army for Trump” is a thing now and he’s talking to them on Twitter.

Trump tweet: Because of the new and unprecedented massive amount of unsolicited ballots which will be sent to “voters”, or wherever, this year, the Nov 3rd Election result may NEVER BE ACCURATELY DETERMINED, which is what some want. Another election disaster yesterday. Stop Ballot Madness!

Trump suggested the election be postponed and Senate Intel Chairman Marco Rubio said he wishes he wouldn’t have said that. Rubio also said, however, “I personally do not believe that Joe Biden has the strength to confront the major challenges this country is facing. President Trump is the only one of the two candidates that is going to be able to do that,” so Rubio should probably stick to tweeting on Bible quotes from now on.

Trump has been encouraging his cult followers to vote for him twice.

The Biden campaign raised $365 million in August. The Trump campaign raised $210 million in August. He’s the incumbent and raised $155 million less during the convention month. He can’t win if he doesn’t cheat.

Trump’s campaign is running out of money so they’ve had to pull some TV advertising. Trump says he’ll kick in some of his own cash, a quick $100 mil, just as soon as he throws another state bash at his hotel and charges tax payers for it.

Trump is holding MAGA rallies indoors, defying states’ social distance policies, and performing for maskless crowds. Trump campaign volunteers are out there knocking on doors without masks. What’s worse? That they’d actually do that or that someone would look through their peep hole, see the maskless strangers in MAGA hats and clipboards, and then open their door. Those boys aren’t right.

Joe Biden doesn’t want people putting themselves and others at risk by knocking on doors. Volunteers are working safely from home using modern technology.

Trump’s campaign war room is busy writing strategies such as if the Democrats win they’ll riot in the streets, the election is rigged, and black people are invading the lily white suburbs. Look out housewives! Cory Booker, the new Willie Horton, is headed your way! Suburban housewives are like, OK!!!!! They’re baking cakes and making jello molds in anticipation. Edward Scissorshands is moving in!

“I just sent Cory Booker my house keys.” — Kathy Griffin

Trump is campaigning in swing states AS the president, on the taxpayer’s dollar, and he’s campaigning for 8 more years.

Bill Barr is campaigning for Trump in his official capacity as US Attorney General. He said if Trump doesn’t win then it’s all over. Socialism wins.

Pence’s lead staffer on the COVID task force, Olivia Troye, quit last month because she couldn’t live with herself anymore. They all know how dangerous and deadly the coronavirus is but their meetings weren’t about beating back the virus or saving lives. They were about beating Joe Biden and saving Trump’s ass. She said, “I have been a Republican for my entire life. I am a McCain Republican. I am a Bush Republican and I am voting for Joe Biden because I truly believe we are at a time of constitutional crisis. At this point, it’s country over party.” She also said that once during a task force meeting Trump remarked that maybe COVID is a good thing because now he doesn’t have to shake hands with all those disgusting people.

Trump thinks his cult followers are disgusting.

Trump tells his followers he is one of them in his tweets and MAGA rally speeches, but he has always stayed as far away from them as possible. Now he has the coronavirus as an excuse to stay the fuck away from them. He’s nothing like them and everybody knows that but them.

Joe Biden would be talking to people up close, shaking hands, and hugging people if it weren’t for the pandemic. He loves people and everybody knows that.

46 days until we get to vote for Joe.

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Spike Dolomite

Daily Crime Report - recounts of Trump and the Republicans’ daily disasters, with puns. Read them all in quarterly reports in The Treason Chronicles on Kindle.