Wash Your Hands
Trump toured the CDC wearing a MAGA hat. He bragged about how much he understood. He thinks he’s a doctor now. “You know my Uncle was a great — he was at MIT. He taught at MIT for a record number of years. He was a great super genius, Dr. John Trump. I like this stuff. I really get it. People are surprised that I understand it. Maybe I have a natural ability.”
Did you know? South Korea called Trump to ask for his advice about how to manage the coronavirus. Did you also know that our coronavirus tests are perfect like the Ukraine call and transcript? Actually, the tests are beautiful like Ivanka. That I can tell you.
Everybody just stood there in disbelief, politely nodding, trying to keep their eyes from rolling and thinking, “Did that fucking lunatic wash his hands?”
Trump didn’t like it when the outbreak in Washington came up. He took a shot at Governor Jay Inslee, “I told Mike not to be complimentary of that governor because that governor is a snake. Let me just tell you we have a lot of problems with the governor and the governor of Washington, that’s where you have many of your problems, OK? So Mike may be happy with him but I’m not OK?”
After the CDC tour was over, everybody not only washed their hands, they took a shower because the whole experience made them feel dirty and gross.
Speaking of Mike Pence — he told reporters that 21 people had tested positive for the coronavirus on the Grand Princess cruise ship docked off the California coast. That’s the first time anybody on board had heard of it. They found out they’re sitting in a floating luxury petri dish while watching TV. Of the 2,422 guests and 1,111 crew members, only 46 of them were tested. No more testing, Trump warned. That’s enough of that. I’m washing my hands of the whole testing idea. Forget about them.
Trump doesn’t want to let people off the ship because he doesn’t want the number of coronavirus cases in the country to go up. He admitted it on TV. “I like the numbers being where they are. I don’t need to have the numbers double because of one ship.” So Americans are lost at sea, infected and exposed to a deadly virus, and the president won’t let them come ashore.
The US has the world’s highest coronavirus death rate because Trump doesn’t want people to get tested. If we knew how many more people had it, the death rate would go down. The global death rate is 3.4%. China is 3.7%. America is 5.4%.
66,650 people were tested within a week of the first case in South Korea and soon thereafter they were able to test 10,000 people a day. The UK has tested 18,083 people and found 115 positive cases. 1,895 people have been tested for the coronavirus in the US. 10% have tested positive. If more people get tested and MAGAs find out that they’re dying from it, they could wash their hands of him and then he’d lose the election and end up in jail.
Kellyanne Conway says the virus has been contained.
Trump is botching the coronavirus outbreak just like he botched Hurricane Maria in Puerto Rico.
Mike Pence won’t accept it, but the Virgin Mary was just like any other mom. At the end of the day she’d ask Jesus, “How many lepers did you touch today and did you wash your hands?”
During the midst of a global health crisis, Trump hired a new chief of staff. Mike Mulvaney is out and Kiss Ass Freedom Party Kook Mark Meadows is in. Mark’s hands are really, really dirty. That’s why Trump picked him.
The American Israel Public Affairs Committee (AIPAC) sent a letter out to everybody who attended their last conference in DC to alert them that 2 people who had been were there have tested positive for the coronavirus. 5 of the people who got that letter were Mike Pence, Mike Pompeo, Mitch McConnell, Ted Cruz, and Liz Cheney. The Democrats who were there did it! They didn’t wash their hands!
In other news, 6 wrestlers have come forward to say Gym Jordan knew all about the sex abuse at Ohio State, Mitch McConnell wants to see an end to the “shenanigans,” Trump likes the Taliban leader and says “the relationship I have is very good with the Mullah,” and Fox News personality Brit Hume was watching porn at work. We know this because he tweeted out a screen shot with the tab open for the Sexy Vixens website.
“Please go look why #brithume is trending. Then wash your hands.” — Andy Lassner
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