Wednesday

Spike Dolomite
4 min readMay 5, 2021

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A federal judge ordered the Department of Justice to turn over a memo written by Bill Barr that explained his reasoning for not charging Trump with obstruction of justice after the release of the Mueller Report. He told Congress and the public that there wasn’t sufficient evidence to charge him. He refused to cough up the memo so he could put his own spin on the report before anybody got a chance to read it. The judge knows that Barr lied to the court and Congress and says it’s time for the public to see that memo. The DOJ has 2 weeks to respond. This is extremely bad news for Trump’s personal attorney/poser. He joins Michael Cohen, Rudy Giuliani and Victoria Toensing in the big shit, deep shit, Trump shit pit. The US attorney general lied about why the president was not charged with crimes.

Facebook decided to keep Trump off of their platform this morning. He’s not getting his account back. Hours before they made their decision Ted Cruz licked and massaged Trump’s ass by posting a selfie of himself with Trump at Mar-a-Lago on his own social media accounts which is so on brand for both of them. A couple of sleazy Republiqan politicians who hate each others’ guts using each other to get attention.

Trump announced that he started his own social media platform which is really just a website with a blog that he’ll make money off of by charging for access and tricking people into making monthly donations.

In the House, QAnon weirdo Marjorie Taylor Greene attacked Ruben Gallegos, an Iraq War veteran, on Twitter. She tweeted that the “Democrats are the enemy within” and accused them of killing hundreds of thousands of businesses with shutdowns and blamed them for funding BLM/Antifa riots that have cost “billions” in damage. Gallegos responded with, “I was trying to figure what type of pen to stab your friends with if they overran us on the floor of the House of Representatives while trying to conduct a democratic transition of power. So please shut your seditious, Qanon loving mouth when it comes to who loves America.” She kept it up, calling him a “coward” so he shut her down with, “I would tweet back and forth with you but I have 2 committee assignments and a bill of mine is being marked. That means it’s passing out of committee. (But you wouldn’t know about that).”

House Minority Leader, Qevin McCarthy is trying to figure out how to get rid of Liz Cheney and replace her with another token vagina because she won’t stay on message which is to keep repeating the Big Lie. Margorie Taylor Greene and Matt Gaetz are fine, though. They represent the party well. In addition to keeping the Big Lie alive, they are keep hammering on liberal, woke, cancel culture. Qevin is keeping that alive by demanding that it die. “The movement in this country about wokeness has got to stop.”

Token vagina and wanna be president Nikki Haley (formerly knowns as Nimrata Randhawa) concurs — “Democrats want to teach white kids that they’re racist and minority kids that the deck is stacked against them. Wokeism and 1619 are causing more division. We must stand up to stop them now.”

“As the child of an immigrant there are few things I find more detestable than children of immigrants choosing to cynically exploit white racial grievance to advance their careers.” — Matt Duss

Speaking of woke immigrants, 18 year old Bryan Chavez was reunited with his mother after Trump tore them apart 3 years ago. He deported her to Mexico even though she was fleeing cartels who had killed her husband and tried to recruit Bryan. The US immigration officer told Bryan, “You are not going to see her anymore,” and then told his mother, “you will go to prison.” Bryan graduated from high school early and is working for an organization that helps kids who have been put in the same situation.

Pete Hegseth told his immigrant hating audience on Fox that “unchecked illegal immigration and massive waves of refugees without assimilation” gets you Ilhan Omar. “Ilhan Omar did not choose America, America chose her…all so she could make a living out of condemning America.”

Mitch McConnell says NOPE to any federal funding to teach 1619, the truth about slavery, because Dems are trying to rewrite history.

Derek Chauvin’s legal team has filed a motion for a new trial because the pre-trial publicity tainted the jury.

Uncle Tim Scott had the nerve to meet with George Floyd’s family after telling the country that there is no racism in America because he cares more about his political career than he does racism or George Floyd’s family.

A white guy in Pennsylvania, Bruce Bartman, only got 5 years probation after he confessed that he illegally cast a vote for Trump for his dead mother. By contrast, Crystal Mason, a black woman in Texas who voted by accident when she wasn’t supposed to, got 5 years in prison.

It’s Wednesday in America. Asians are still being assaulted on the street, black men are still getting killed by the cops, immigrants are still getting blamed for anything and everything, and Republiqans are still saying there is no racism in America. Even the black one.

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Spike Dolomite
Spike Dolomite

Written by Spike Dolomite

Daily Crime Report - recounts of Trump and the Republicans’ daily disasters, with puns.

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