We’re Living in a Stephen King Novel

Spike Dolomite
4 min readJun 12, 2020


The RNC has selected Jacksonville, Florida, for Trump’s acceptance speech for the Republican nomination so it can coincide with the 60th anniversary of “Ax Handle Saturday,” the day a white mob organized by the KKK attacked mostly black civil rights protesters who were eating lunch at whites-only lunch counters with ax handles that they had hidden in a park.

Trump held a roundtable with law enforcement in Dallas to praise them without mentioning George Floyd’s name or inviting the Dallas police chief, sheriff, and district attorney who are all black. As expected, he made a mockery out of the Black Lives Matter movement by saying, “Americans are good and virtuous people. We have to work together to confront bigotry and prejudice wherever they appear, but we will make no progress and heal no wounds by falsely labeling tens of millions of decent Americans as racist or bigots.” When talking about the violence in the streets in Minneapolis, he said it was a “beautiful scene,” even though it’s not “supposed to” be, when the National Guard went in and, “like a knife cutting butter,” stopped the violence, even though “yes there was some tear gas.” He said we’ll get rid of bigotry and prejudice just like that, “I think we’re going to do it very easily and quickly and it’ll go very easily….we’re dominating the street with compassion.”

Trump is forcing MAGAs to click a box when they register to go to his rallies that says they won’t sue him if they contract the coronavirus. He’s so desperate for attention and cheers he’s willing to gamble killing his followers before election day in order to feel that adoration buzz and get out of the House.

General Mark Milley apologized on TV for escorting Trump to the burned church across the street from the White House for the photo op.

Trump has lost the US military.

Joe Biden said that the military may have to drag him out of the White House when the time goes because he won’t leave.

Black Republican Senator Tim Scott of South Carolina was pulled over in April because the cop said he waited too long to signal a turn. And also because he was driving while black. It happens to him often as it does all black people. His state only stopped flying the confederate flag in 2015 after a white gunman went into a black church and murdered 9 people. He’s the first African American senator from a southern state since 1881 and he has praised Trump for how much he has improved conditions for the black community.

Republican hypocrite fun fact: Tim Scott is the only black Republican member in the Senate. Given that the GOP has blatantly revealed itself to be racist to the core, doesn’t that make him an Uncle Tom? Uncle Tim is Mitch and Trump’s African American over there.

An Ohio Republican state senator and emergency room doctor, Steve Huffman, said that the reason why more people in the black community contract the coronavirus is because “African Americans or the colored population do not wash their hands as well as other groups.” He got fired from his ER job for saying that.

13 cops were caught on film lounging around Congressman Bobby Rush’s field office in Chicago after they broke into it to avoid the riots in the streets. They were napping, drinking coffee, and shooting the shit while the city burned.

Tucker Carlson is replaying video of destroyed stores after looters left and clips of people taking down confederate statues with telling his audience, “They don’t own this country. They did not build it.”

Um, they built it. For free.

Walmart has had a policy of keeping black hair products in a locked cabinet and now they don’t because everybody who isn’t black found out and they don’t want to appear racist.

Trump is accusing Joe Biden of hiding in his basement. This is straight out of Goebbel’s Nazi playbook — accuse the other side of what you are doing. Next Trump should be accusing Biden of pooping in his pants and making Lindsey Graham change him.

Trump refers to the Secret Service as S.S. The S.S. were Nazis. That’s why nobody ever uses those initials when referring to the Secret Service.

Nancy Pelosi got Trump below the men of a certain age belt when she said during her press briefing, “Real men wear masks.”

44 million workers are unemployed. Remember when the Republicans said that their $1.7 trillion cut for billionaires would pay for itself? They’re way, way richer, and we’re way, way poorer.

“The idea of Trump’s re-election is so profoundly horrifying to me that I would opt to spend the night in a dilapidated tobacco barn with any kind of demented, blood-sucking, axe-wielding, sphincter-tightening abomination Stephen King’s limitless imagination could possibly create.” — David Rush

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Spike Dolomite

Daily Crime Report - recounts of Trump and the Republicans’ daily disasters, with puns. Read them all in quarterly reports in The Treason Chronicles on Kindle.