White Asses

Spike Dolomite
4 min readAug 14, 2020
Vacationing Republicans

Joe and Kamala are already working as if they’ve been elected. After being briefed by public health experts, Joe Biden held a press conference and asked all 50 governors to enact mask mandates for the next 3 months. Doing so would save 40,000 lives.

The Biden campaign raised $48 million in the first 48 hours since Kamala Harris was announced as Biden’s running mate. That’s $1 million every hour.

Republican Mayor Barry Presgraves in Virginia is facing calls for his resignation after posting that Joe Biden “just announced Aunt Jemima” as his vice presidential running mate on Facebook. Barry is an ass.

Pence is trying to claim that they have created more jobs in the last 3 months than Joe Biden and Barack Obama created in 8 years. Also, Kamala will force dietary restrictions on everyone — no more red meat. Since he’s a nasty man who has nasty thoughts, did he just say that he’s worried that Kamala will slap his ass?

Biden said he wouldn’t stand in the way of a Trump prosecution.

After 3 1/2 years a reporter finally called Trump out for being a fucking liar during a press briefing. He asked, “Do you regret at all the lying you’ve done to the American people?” Trump blew him off and went to the next reporter who should have asked him the same question. They should all be asking that question EVERY SINGLE DAY.

Mitch McConnell says, fuck you America! He sent the Senate home for a month. Really rich people who don’t pay taxes can’t fathom what a month off means to millions of taxpayers who have lost their jobs. Republican senators aren’t interested in trying to figure out a way to give them back some of the money they have paid in taxes so they can survive another month. They’re only interested in figuring out how to take that tax money and give it to the filthy rich (themselves and their friends.)

Republican senators worked over time to give the rich and corporations a $1.9 trillion tax cut. Now they’ve left town, leaving 40,000,000 Americans one rent check away from eviction.

Republicans are white ass holes.

“At the beginning of the pandemic Congress gave corporations $4,000,000,000,000 and gave us $1,200. Now people might be struggling but the corporations are good so the Senate is going home till September.” — Joshua Potash

Republicans are blowing the pandemic and economic depression off. When they get back 26,000 more people will be dead and millions more could be sick and homeless AND THEY DON’T CARE.

Right now 28 million Americans are unemployed. One year ago it was 6 million (the lowest in 50 years.) Vacationing Republicans say get a fucking job as if they themselves had one.

The USPS is turning off mail sorting machines ahead of the election. Postal workers aren’t getting any overtime which means mail is piling up. In liberal Portland and Eugene, Oregon they’re literally backing up trucks to corner mailboxes and taking them away. This is a national emergency and Trump should be impeached for interfering with the election to maintain power but Republicans are on vacation and wouldn’t impeach him anyway if they weren’t. White asses.

“There is ABSOLUYELY NO WAY that you can convince me the government agency which was able to deliver enough AOL CDs to turn the moon into a goddamned dialup disco TWENTY FIVE YEARS AGO cannot now deliver enough ballots to have an election.” — Ben Jackson

Trump has done more to keep people from voting than he has from dying of the coronavirus.

Trump’s diabolical plan to keep citizens from voting doesn’t just hurt Democrats. It’s keeping seniors and vets from getting their medications. It’s keeping people from getting their paychecks and social security checks on time. It’s keeping little kids from getting their free monthly books mailed to them by Dolly Parton (who is also quietly funding coronavirus research and not so quietly supporting Black Lives Matter — “Of course black lives matter! Our little white asses aren’t the only ones that matter!”)

How much better would things be if the rich and famous lived their lives like Dolly Parton?

81 days until we get to vote.

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Spike Dolomite

Daily Crime Report - recounts of Trump and the Republicans’ daily disasters, with puns. Read them all in quarterly reports in The Treason Chronicles on Kindle.