You Can Pick Your Nose, and You Can Pick Your Foes, but You Can’t Pick Your Foe’s Nose

Spike Dolomite
3 min readNov 30, 2023
Kissinger at his own

Henry Kissinger is dead.

“Henry Kissinger, War Criminal Beloved by America’s Ruling Class, Finally Dies” — Rolling Stone

Years ago, while inside the Sistine Chapel, American writer and witticist Gore Vidal came upon Henry Kissinger studying the Hell section of Michelangelo’s Last Judgment. “Look,” Vidal said, “he’s apartment hunting.”

Kissinger was the Forrest Gump of war crimes. If people were being slaughtered, Kissinger was somehow there. He was successful in branding himself as a genius foreign policy expert by manipulating the media to treat him as one by making himself available 24/7 for a comment whenever a war broke out. He never lost his German accent, even though he had emigrated to the US when he was a teenager, because it served his mysterious brand. His brother didn’t have a German accent. Kissinger swore that being traumatized by the Nazis as a kid didn’t have anything to do with why he went on to kill millions. Nixon called him “my Jew boy.”

Today is the 7th day of a truce in Gaza. So far, 79 Israeli and dual national hostages have been released, 23 Thais, 1 Filipino, and 210 Palestinians.

Trump is targeting Judge Engoron’s wife now. He’s daring the judge to throw him in jail.

Trump called for the assassination of Biden by warning him in a post that he better stop with the election interference “before it’s too late.” He’s daring his cult followers to go after Biden.

Trump has been re-gagged by the New York appellate court.

Trump’s court-ordered financial auditor caught him moving $40 million from the Trump Organization to a personal bank account. He’s not supposed to have any control over bank accounts. He’s daring the judge to take his debit card away.

Lin Wood, the MAGA attorney who headed the fake electors plot but isn’t under indictment because he voluntarily gave up his law license, is estranged from his 4 adult kids. They haven’t talked to him in 4 years. He blames the deep state.

Elon Musk, during a live interview on stage for a New York Times event, told advertisers who have pulled out from his website to go fuck themselves. Last week he bought his way to Netanyahu for a PR photo to prove he isn’t an anti-semite even though he hates on the Jews on his website.

President Bident went to Pueblo, Colorado to celebrate the new expansion of the $200 million wind tower manufacturer, CS Winds that got built because of him, creating lots of new jobs for people living in southern Colorado. He called Lauren Boebert out 4 times for not voting for his infrastructure bill and calling it a massive failure. The new plant is in her district.

Ryan Fournier, co-founder of Students for Trump was arrested for using a gun to hit his girlfriend in the head.

George Santos gathered the media together this morning to say he won’t resign because if he did they would win. The House is going to vote on expelling him tomorrow. Mike Johnson said members will be voting their conscience. Um.

George Santos has threatened to out everybody in the House for screwing around on their spouses. That would be the only worthy thing he could do at this point — out ’em all for not only not being virgins when they married, but for all the stuff they’re doing with people they’re not married to. Titillate their conscience? Um.

Speaking of Republicans getting it on with people other than their spouses, the chair of the Florida GOP and husband of the co-founder of Moms for Liberty, Christian Ziegler (is that his real name?) has been accused of getting too rough with his menage a trois lover. The third member of the threesome is his wife, Bridget, who is also a member of the school board in Sarasota County. He’s under criminal investigation.

Kevin McCarthy is hinting that he could be resigning by the end of the year. That would be a Christmas miracle. If Santos is expelled and McCarthy resigns, the Republicans will only have a 2 seat lead in the House and they can’t even get anything done with 4 seats.

“Those guys couldn’t run a 7–11.” — David Ward

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Spike Dolomite

Daily Crime Report - recounts of Trump and the Republicans’ daily disasters, with puns. Read them all in quarterly reports in The Treason Chronicles on Kindle.