You might be a MAGA if

Spike Dolomite
4 min readSep 22, 2020

You might be a MAGA if:

You think being born white in America is something you actually earned.

You were the mayor of Amity Island in Jaws.

You’re poor and white and believe that any day now you won’t be if you just keep voting for Republicans.

You see someone wearing a mask and automatically feel superior to them.

You believe that the Democrats are coming for your guns so you keep buying more of them, just in case, and leave them lying around like the many participation award trophies you got when you were a kid.

You have a selfie of yourself holding a gun and a Bible but get irate whenever anyone points out that you look just like ISIS. You’re a patriot. They’re a terrorist.

You call yourself a Christian but don’t go to church or read the Bible and think the Bible trumps the Constitution which you’ve never read either.

You don’t read but you keep up with the Kardashians and Fox News.

You listen to Glenn Beck while you drive to work, Rush Limbaugh on your lunch break, Sean Hannity on the way home, and Fox News before bed. The New York Times, Washington Post and NPR are fake news.

You believe Brian Kilmeade on Fox when he talks about people all over the country who wear ear pieces, dress in black, carry guns, bats and bricks, and they’re looking for you.

You don’t want to pay taxes but think it’s your right to call up your elected officials or show up at town halls wrapped in the American flag and bitch about what you’re not getting and what you want anyway.

You don’t know what socialism is but you believe the Republicans when they say it’s bad.

You don’t know that the public schools, cops, firefighters, and roads you depend on are actually socialist.

You believe anything is socialist if Trump tells you it is but you would never believe that he’s a dictator.

You can’t name all 50 states or find Ukraine on a map.

You like to say “treason” a lot but you don’t know what it means.

You don’t know what the 3 branches of government are, how government works, or who your elected representatives are, and if anyone puts you on the spot about that your only response is “Make America great again!”, “Lock her up!”, and “Build the wall!”

You don’t know what a cult of personality is, how Hitler rose to power, or how to defend Trump except with comebacks like, “Trump 2020!” and “Get a brain, libtards!”

You look at a homeless person and your first thought is you made your filthy bed of cardboard scraps, now lie in it.

You believe that anyone who can’t afford to go to the doctor or pay for medicine should be left to die because it’s their own fault.

You think abortion is murder unless you or someone you know has one.

You’ve ever said, “Killary Hillary.”

You think QAnon, ICE, diet water, and “fully cooked” canned meat are good ideas.

You smother your food with salt and pepper and call it “seasoned.”

You think Melania is the classiest first lady ever.

You think Ivanka is a working woman.

You’ve ever had some sort of sex in a Walmart (parking lot doesn’t count.)

You think Trump is “one of us.”

You really believe that immigrants have taken your jobs and that they belong in concentration camps for even trying to come here because they’re criminals.

You’ve ever said, “I’m not racist but ______________.”

You’ve ever said, “I know Trump is racist, but_____________.”

You say, “they shouldn’t have broken the law” whenever cops kill people.

You say, “All lives matter” whenever someone says, “Black lives matter.”

You don’t know what defund the police means and it has never occurred to you to look it up.

You get mad if a Black athlete takes a knee but then get even madder if they stand up.

You don’t know that white people are the largest recipient of food stamps but hate black people and immigrants because you think they are and the only reason they get them is because they’re lazy.

You want Black people to get over slavery but you won’t get over losing your slaves.

You believe Chinese people cooked up the Wuhan Virus in a lab in cahoots with the Democrats to make Trump look bad.

You think you can run your mouth, threaten people, and make a total fool of yourself because you’ve “got rights.”

You defend Trump and white supremacy without consequence because you’ve “got rights!”

Hey you! People won’t forget you. Voting for Trump says more about you than it says about Trump. Voting for him and regretting it once you came around and realized it was a really stupid, irresponsible thing to do is one thing. Voting for him and supporting him to the end is a character test and you will not be forgiven.

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Spike Dolomite

Daily Crime Report - recounts of Trump and the Republicans’ daily disasters, with puns. Read them all in quarterly reports in The Treason Chronicles on Kindle.