Desperate Republicans

Spike Dolomite
5 min readApr 7, 2022

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Congress has voted to hold coup co-conspirators Dan Scavino and Peter Navarro in contempt of Congress for ignoring congressional subpoenas. While Select Committee member Jamie Raskin was speaking about it on the House floor, Marjorie Taylor Greene heckled him by yelling out, “Ashli Babbitt!” and “What about the Russia collusion?!”

Both Jared and Ivanka have testified before the Select Committee. Ivanka was in the White House with her dad, the president, during the attack on the Capitol. The committee has been trying to get her to talk to them since late January. The public will know more about what they said when they start holding public hearings. For now, she’ll just sit pretty and he’ll never say a word, just like they always have.

Jonathan Moseley, the attorney representing high profile insurrectionists, has been disbarred. His clients are Proud Boys leader Zachary Rehl, Oath Keepers leader Stewart Rhodes and Stop the Steal founder Ali Alexander. He has had his license suspended before but now he’s got to find a new career and his clients have to find a new lawyer.

Pro-Trump US Senator Josh Hawley who represents Missouri without actually living there says a woman can’t be a woman if she’s had a hysterectomy. He said that not just because he’s an asshole Republican who is throwing his MAGA hat in the “What’s a woman?” ring for press attention, but because he really doesn’t know what a woman is. He has a wife because he represents Missouri. You can’t get elected in Missouri unless you go to the men’s room to pee and just to pee……

Meanwhile in Ohio, a Republican who is running for US Senate, Josh Mandel, the “Pro-God, Pro-Gun, Pro-Trump” candidate is trying to prove he isn’t racist in a campaign ad that he ran featuring a photo of himself in combat fatigues out in the dessert holding a gun in the center of a group of Black soldiers. If I was a racist, would I have done this? There was a problem, though. His hands were Black which means the campaign either cropped a Black soldier’s head out and put his head in or they “accidentally” darkened his hands when they were darkening all of the other soldiers to make them look even Blacker.

Things have gotten even weirder regarding the anti-abortion activist who got arrested for keeping 5 human fetuses in a cooler in her home. There were more. 100 more, but she won’t say what happened to them. She talked a driver of a medical waste truck into giving her everything he had on his dolly.

The Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) will be in Budapest, Hungary next month. Guest speakers will be anti-democratic and pro-totalitarian. Having it there will make it easy for the Russians and various other foreign dictators to attend. Why would any American political party hold their annual conference anywhere but in America?

Speaking of anti-democratic Republicans, Congressman Paul Gosar will be a “featured guest” at an upcoming white nationalist event sponsored by the far right group, the American Populist Union. The event is scheduled on Hitler’s birthday. He and his campaign are denying it now, even though invitations have already gone out.

Tennessee is making pedophilia legal by passing a bill that allows creepy old men to marry 10 year old little girls to exploit them sexually without having to go to jail. Two men in love can’t marry in Tennessee but perverted freaks can marry children at any age.

In Mississippi, a middle schooler and her little sister went to play with the kids next door, also a middle schooler and younger sibling. They brought 2 guns with them from their house. While they were goofing around with one of the guns it discharged and shot one of the kids in the eye killing her instantly. It happened in Mississippi so it’s just a “tragic accident” and not a crime. Parents can leave guns lying around legally.

Ohio is working on their own “Don’t say gay” bill but theirs goes even further to include race.

Oklahoma has passed a bill that would make abortion a felony, no matter how far along. Doctors who perform abortions will go to jail for up to 10 years and pay a $100,000 fine. No exceptions for rape, incest or to protect the life of the mother. The bill is headed for the governor’s desk who has already said that he’d sign anything anti-abortion that is put before him.

In Florida, Governor Ron DeSantis is blocking documents from being released involving the spending records of Halsey Beshears which violates public records laws. Halsey Beshears was the former head of the Florida’s Business Licensing Agency. DeSantis appointed him in 2019 and then he resigned in January of 2021 for “health reasons.” He went to the Bahamas with Matt Gaetz (whom he had served in the Florida legislature with,) the pot doctor and an underage girl. He may be involved with the Russians obtaining business licenses to sell pot at medical marijuana dispensaries too. His “health reasons” could be an ulcer from freaking out about being under federal investigation for sex trafficking. Ron DeSantis is also in the news for seeking revenge on Disney for “crossing a line” by denouncing his Don’t Say Gay bill. He’s threatening to strip them of their 55 year old special status that allows Disneyworld to operate as an independent government at their Orlando theme park. DeSantis said, “When you’re trying to impose a woke ideology on our state, we view that as a significant threat. This wokeness will destroy this country if we let it run unabated.”

Disney employs 77,000 people. DeSantis won by only 32,000 votes.

The GOP is a mess and Republicans are desperate. There are so many truly horrible things happening at home and abroad and all the Republicans want to talk about are transgenders, critical race theory, and abortion. Why? Because these are issues that keep their voters worked up. They keep lathering them up without ever giving them a chance to rinse off (dry off? NEVER!) They keep them so freaked out and outraged that they won’t care about all of the truly horrible things happening at home and abroad. They’ll show up to vote, nice and sudsy, and that’s all that matters.

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Spike Dolomite
Spike Dolomite

Written by Spike Dolomite

Daily Crime Report - recounts of Trump and the Republicans’ daily disasters, with puns.

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